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Sometimes, life got boring.
At those times, I humored myself with the thought that what I was missing was a person barging in my life and messing it up.
At the same time, I thought my first reaction to someone who would actually do that was beating the crap out of them.
And so, that's how the daydreamer and the realist in me started their feud.
It was entertaining in its own way, and my boredom receded.
But in the end, I was left wondering, how long could I continue to be this childish?
Life is moving us forward. Time is growing us apart. Nevertheless, no matter where you are, what your feeling is, dearest cousins/childhood friends/friends, may your days be merry and bright, and hmm.... maybe with not too many white Christmases though, snow isn't good for you(r driving skills) :P :so_funny:
I remembered listening to this song since I was in 9th or 10th grade. Mentality wise, I don’t think I’ve changed much. I can’t stand living depended on someone else. The feeling that my life isn’t in my hand really scare me, a large part of it is already being controlled by rule of society, if the leftovers were handed to someone else, I really would rather die. I don’t understand the fun in “being taken care of,” or the joy of “being enveloped and embraced by firm arms.” So Please don’t force your joys on me and telling me to “settle down.” Stop saying that I am “too independent” as if it’s a bad thing. Don’t use the differences in our mindset to accuse me of “being stubborn.” If you are happy with what you have, I’m happy for you. But don’t ever, EVER, tell me to quit my job to get married and let the nonexistent husband take care of me.
I thought about her.
I think about her.
And I keep on thinking about her.
Thinking about the past, the present, about how the past could only look beautiful because of it is the past, and about how the blurry present will become nostalgic past one day.
I feel every fiber of my being getting exhausted because of these thoughts.
Once again, I know I will make the same mistake of letting things go easily in the moment of tiredness.
I know. I want to get a hold of myself.
But, it feels so empty, so drained.
Once again, I found myself acting spoiled and looking for an easy way out.
So I think about her.
And then some others who had recently left the Earth.
Yeah...I think I wanted to be depressed.
The guilt towards her make me want to kill myself.
But even that is just emptied words.
I missed her. I hate this reality. I hate everything. Myself most of all.
But this feeling is something I don’t want to share.
Not that I cannot. I DO NOT want to talk about it with anyone.
I don’t know what I seek in others.
I don’t know what I expected from them.
What I do know, is that I absolutely hate it when someone said “yeah, I can understand your feelings.”
Maybe I wanted my feeling to be unique. Maybe it is a type of vanity.
However,
Just how conceited do you have to be to claim that you can understand others? To see through their thoughts and telepathically with their hearts?
I know this feeling of mine is pretty juvenile, like a teenager at rebellious age claiming others do not understand them.
That’s why my action of keeping everything to myself is juvenile too.
But I cannot help what I hate and loathe.
So I’d rather be juvenile than receiving fake sympathies from others because they want a way to prove superior.
In any case, I like sentimental sh*t, so I will write sentimental sh*t if I want to.
As time passed, I have stopped wanting a lot of things, given up on a lot of things, discarded a lot of things, but still couldn't stop the self-destruction way of living I have had.
Life tempered me into someone I hate. Actually, at this point, I'm unsure whether this disgusting person I became was from life tempering or the real me after being stripped off all pretenses. And yet, the part of me that needed to be destroyed the most is still there.
Wanting to throw it away, yet stubbornly refusing to do so. Both are my wishes. If I don't throw it away, I will become a useless person. But if I throw it away, it is the same as discarding "myself."
This stupid tug of war has been going on for so long that the word stupid is an understatement of how stupid this is.
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Anyway, it's almost 20 years old birthday of Hoahoctro forum. I still remembered the 10 years old birthday like it was yesterday.
For me, it's been 11 years. From the average grade high school student, to the underachiever adult, it has been a long time. Lots of things have changed, I went from a little extrovert into a total antisocial, but the sentimental sh*t I have to say doesn't seem to decrease at all.
Friday August 19, 2021
I safeguard the first kiss all my life, and lost it in the most nonsensical way, to a guy I didn't even like.
Hôm nay nghe người ta cưới, biết dùng từ nào để diễn tả cảm xúc. Bất ngờ và... hơi mắc cười vì lòng chẳng có tí cảm xúc nào. Bảo là mừng cho người ta là không đúng. Bảo là buồn vì người cầm tay người khác cũng là sai. Biết hắn là dạng có chí tiến thủ nên hồi đó mới chẳng bận tâm dứt áo ra đi. Mình cũng hạ quyết tâm đi. Đi và được, mình chẳng hối tiếc, nhưng lúc này có hơi bối rối.
Tình tự như không. Ái ngữ như mây.
Tâm hơi bấn loạn vì điều nhân gian nói tới nhanh hơn tưởng tượng. Nhưng mà, vì mình biết lý do thật sự hắn làm thế, nên một đằng thì vẫn hy vọng hắn lo cho người ta, một đằng thì cười khằng khặc bởi cái hành động hệt trai đểu của hắn với người ta.
Ừ, chỉ có thể nói, mình cũng thật khốn nạn.
Nực cười cái mình phải nghe điều này từ miệng người khác. Hắn thì cứ ngậm tăm, mấy cái ngày trước cưới của hắn còn đòi gặp. Diễn thêm tí nữa chắc ra phim Hàn nhiều tập rồi ha. Nếu nói mình hối tiếc điều gì, chỉ tiếc rằng khi chia tay không cắt đứt hết mà còn để lại tí kết nối như thế này.
I stood in the middle of the jungle of skyscrapers and thought to myself, "It seems sad." To me, however, "sad" is a synonym for "peaceful."
It's hard to believe I would one day feel this way about a big city. I preferred quiet, so I thought the countryside or suburban would suit me more. Born in a big and bustling city, I didn't dislike such atmospheres, but I didn't long for them when I was thrown into a quiet and small town either. I came to love the small town. And then I left it. Reluctantly.
Returning to the city way of life, I felt neither joy nor nostalgia. It was just something I had to do and had to get used to. Eventually.
I looked at countless tiny lights in the high buildings, then at the dark streets filled with homeless people. I used to be scared. I am still scared. But at that moment, my emotions were numbed. The only thing left was just overwhelming sadness. It wasn't out of sympathy or empathy. Nothing to do with other people. Just because I was still the same emo kid as I was decades ago.
I disliked darkness. It was full of uncertainty and lurking danger. But sometimes, when I wandered into it, there would be sentimental moments like the one I found today.
I haven't written something for a long time. Writing makes me feel at ease inside. Or is it I can only write I can feel peace? Who cares anymore.
Time always moves on. I never noticed it with my idyllic lifestyle. But whenever I looked around me, the flow of time couldn't be more vivid. It was carved onto the seasons, the people, everything, even myself if I stopped averting my eyes and tried to see.
More than 10 years have passed, but I'm still that kid who refused to look at reality and run away for as long as I can. Have I changed even a tiny bit? Maybe, who knows. But the essences that made me who I am haven't changed, that's for sure. Even though it's nothing good, I want to cling to it. It's always easier that way.
Dear the me of many years ago, it seems like we didn't grow up after all.