Note on how to become stupidly stupid: It's really not appropriate to feel sad about the consequences you knew you had it coming. That's why, if there is ever a chance such feeling occurs, just kill it.
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Note on how to become stupidly stupid: It's really not appropriate to feel sad about the consequences you knew you had it coming. That's why, if there is ever a chance such feeling occurs, just kill it.
Current obsessed with this song. It's the first song in a while that I could listen for many days, more than 5 hours continuously each. It's really been awhile. I missed this feeling.
How long has it been since I could call someone a "friend." I have gotten so used to treat people and being treated as a short-term acquaintance that I totally forgot what it was like to be able to call someone my "friend." People come. People go. That will never change. However, unlike with others, I feel some sort of bonds with them, and that feels weird, really weird. It's a foreign feeling to me. Thinking about it now, how long has it been since we knew each other? Almost 6 years? The time we spent with each other didn't surpass 1 year. We met, we talked, we hang out, we fell out of touch, quite a few times. Honestly, it was a normal and inevitable thing to me, like with everyone else, a short-term contact is most comfortable for both parties.
I guess the reason I'm feeling like this now was because I was able to open up to her somewhat about my feelings and the way I perceived our relationship. I was able to become honest with her, and him too, which is....so rare I don't even remember last time it happened. After all, being stupidly honest is just exposing your weakness to others and it would come back to bite you someday, or so I told myself. Anyhow, this period of being close probably won't last long, given mine and theirs personalities. Even so, I'm happy.
It's a sad thing...that knowing people warmth means I will experience the feeling of loneliness more deeply and painfully. Even so, I can't say I would wish it had never happened. Through all meeting and parting, fear and distrust grew bigger, but at the same time, there was another thing grew besides just negative, things that are harder to put into words but makes me smile with content. The fear of parting will never disappear, such sadness will never cease to exist, but I supposed I have learned how to treasure present enough to not running away.
It's snowing so badly today, I couldn't work up the courage to try driving to work in this condition. Better be safe than sorry, though I know it caused inconvenience for others. There's something about a world of white that makes people feel peaceful inside. But though it's so beautiful, why is it so hard to live with it? Probably because a price is always a must with everything. This cold. cold winter that I said I've always loved and couldn't help but feeling like it was a lie. Will I be able to get rid of my cowardice self? So that I can honestly love everything about it.
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For people whose will has never been broken once, I kinda admire them. At the same time, I couldn't have but wanting to test that iron will of theirs. The ugly part of me always wants people to fall, there's no point pretending to be a good person anyhow since I was never one. Her way of life, I can't say I'm envying it. Selfish, willful, but full of life. How funny, isn't she what I've wanted to become? Yet I can't say I admire her for achieving it. I'm a half-baked. Stuck between wanting to be selfish and trying to please everyone. This feeling always causes me pain, for reasons I've known all too well. But now that I'm seeing her, I actually kind of glad I was a half-baked. Because I realized, I don't want to be like her. I'd rather stay this way, no matter how twisted it is.
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I hate being ignorant. But the day when I am no longer ignorant will probably never come. No matter how much I see, no matter how much I learn. It's never enough.
Cruel, yet so kind.
There was a time when I wished, day after day, he would say those words, so my heart can be at ease. But, after all, why should he do anything for my sake?
Do I look pitiful to you? Because my life isn't revolving around romance. Because the day people get work up all over is something completely slipped my mind. As soon as the question is on the tip of my tongue, I sighed and kept it inside. There's no point in asking, since your feelings are yours alone. I'm not going to pretend to be fine and say it doesn't affect me in any way. But ultimately, I don't see the point of trying to convey my thoughts that would be twisted according to how people perceive it. Each person stands ground for their own opinion. I don't intend to change your opinion nor my own. So what good does asking such question do? In the end, doesn't it all come back to square one?
Which is more pitiful? Not being loved, or not being able to love?
A terrible question. One that I hope no one would have to asked themselves, either answer will only leave a bitter feeling in your heart.
Why did you have to cry? I didn't mean to make you cry. All the faults were mine. Someday, I will have to pay the price what I did. And it is fine, with me. There was no one could give me forgiveness, because there is no one has the right to do so. That's why, my pain won't be eased. My guilt won't be erased. And that is fine, with me.
But, it is not fine with you. Your love makes you worry about me. And it's just plain painful. Love is harder to deal with than hatred. It hurts more than hate. What's more, only people who are truly loved can get hurt by it. I'm lucky, I know. But my soul can't be saved. At least not by telling stories and listening to sermon.
It's easier to give up. Just give up on me. It'd be easier for both of us. I've passed the point of wanting to be saved. I just want to be left alone now. It wasn't easy to get to this point. There were countless tears and lot of efforts spent to become what I am now. So honestly, it pains me to see you cry, but I'm still not moved. I guess, my resentment is bigger than I thought.
Empty, hollow, pitch black kind of feelings inside.
I wonder why, no matter how many times I told myself to move on, to move forward, no matter how much I've done and accomplished, I still felt myself standing still, stuck at that same place I have always been. What I thought a straight road, was in fact, a roundabout loop that repeats itself.
So today I am still here, at this starting line of contemplation.
Read the old diary I kept since 2012. It was like, what, only 5 years, and already, I cannot recognize that self of mine anymore. That just goes to show how unreliable my brain is. Ahhhh, the pain, the struggle. Nope. Don't recall a thing. Even those 12 years of torturous school life is now but a vague memory. At this point, I think others might have more accurate memories about me than me.
It's not like I've completely forgotten it. What I was back then contributed to what I become now (not that it was a good thing), so there's no way I could forget. But, unlikely before, in which whenever I recalled painful memories, I would feel a pang in my heart and tears swelling up in my eyes, I hardly feel anything when I think about them now. How sad I was during school from being bullied and alienated. How I think about dying and killing myself every morning when I was depressed. There were countless tears shed during those periods. But looking back at them now, I don't really feel anything. It's as if I was staring at a picture of a past event and be like "oh, so I was at that place once."
Pain. Sorrow. Sadness. Anguish. Despair. Feelings I thought would haunt me forever suddenly became just a "fact," a daily life occurrences that didn't leave much impression.
If this is because I was over it, then it couldn't have been better, but I think it was more like an unsympathetic reaction. Total impassioned to things. I've grown numb to pain, both others and my own. Sounds a little bad. But compared to before, which being all miserable and tried to play the part of tragedy heroine, this is definitely a lot better.