Please correct it for me!

[jainie]

here is a story of mine, so i want you to correct it, because it certainly have a lot of wrong
i don't very good at english ^^, but i will try my best !
love so much
part 1: dentiny
I used to get up and feel very tired. My life is so boreing that I won't fell so worse if one day my doctor say that I won't life so more longer. I opened my window and looked at the street .Every body traveled quickly and quickly. How could them be so lively? I didn't know. Than I change my clothers and went to school.
That morning I came to school at seven and left the bus behind. I went throw the zebra crossing. There was a boy next to me. He is tall and thin with the blond hair. Espencially his eyes : it's wide and so sad. Much more sad thanmy life is. He disappeared, and I couldn't forget them.
The bell rang and I went home. I had lisstened to my teachers during that morning without of anderstanding anything. The only thing I saw is his eyes, wide and sad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
p/s : I will continue soọn plz correct and pay advice for me. maybe I will post Viet Namese version on box " Tryuen ngan- truyen dai". encourge me!!!

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

I used to wake up (not get up coz it doesnt sound right when u said u felt tired) with an exhausted feeling. My life was so boring that i would not care if one day the doctor said i did not have a lot of time. i opened the window and looked down on the street. Everybody seems to be in rush, they move so fast. i changed my clothes and went to school. it was exactly 7am when i got off the bus. When i was crossing the street, i noticed a blond hair guy, who was tall, thin, with wide and sad eyes, next to me. the whole day i couldnt help myself thinking about him....i got nothing in my head except that wide and sad eyes until the bell rang and class was over.
I didnt know wat u mean by "hw could them be so lively..." so i didnt do anything about it.

[Eternal_Baka]

Here's my interpretation of the paragraph, if there are mistakes, please forgive me. Thanks : )

Part 1: Destiny ( I assume that's "destiny")
I used to get up with an exhausted feeling. My life is so bored that it could not get any worse even if one day my doctor had to tell me I don't have much time left. I opened my window and looked out at the street. Everyone is seems to be in a hurry. How could they be so lively? I didn't know. Then I changed my clothes and went to school.
I stepped off the bus and came to school that morning at seven. <1>. There was a boy with blond hair who stood next to me. He is tall and skinny, especially his eyes - they are wide and depressed. It could be more depressed than my life already is. I still couldn't forget them as he disappeared in distance.
The bell rang and I went home. I didn't understand anything my teachers said that morning. The only thing that is in my mind was his eyes, wide and sad.

<1> I went throw the zebra crossing <-- What is that? I'm sorry I don't get it.

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

eternal..: ur passage would be better if u didnt mixed the tenses.
seem cant distinguish bw present and past!

and bdw, use "bored" not "boring" .. Ex: I'm bored, she's bored, or you're boring

and bdw, use "bored" not "boring" .. Ex: I'm bored, she's bored, or you're boring

[jainie]

Thank you for all , rut' kinh nghiệm lần này mình sẽ để nghĩa TV ở những chỗ có nguy cơ sai cao để các bạn dễ chỉnh sửa nha!
here is past 2: Dream boys
Haft year had passed, I had got my first boy friend. He í tall and slim. And his eyes are wide, but not so sad. The imagine of the strange boy had not still obsessed me so mụch But I was not sure ì I loved Raza because of hí imagine or not.
Not sure!
Raza and I went for a walk around the lake. The wind was so cool and I felt it couldn't be better than that. He sat down near the bank off the lake, and pulled me down next to him. He said nothing and then became so quiet. he gave me a tight hug. I did nothing. I felt very safe in his arms. He planted a kiss in my lips. It was my first kiss, with my first boyfriend. We sat there for hours, didn't let fall hands (ko buông tay mình viết thía này có ổn không các banj ?)
While we were sitting, I saw a boy standing against a tree. His eyes was so sad and he was looking at something very far!that is not all of past 2, I will back soon. You can give opinion to better the story. It's ours ! ^^

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

Half of a year has passed, I got my first bf. He was a tall and skinny guy. His eyes were wide, but not that sad look. I was not obsessed by that strange guy I met before that much any more. Still, I was not sure if i love Raza coz of himself or not.
Raza and I went for a walk around a lake. It was a cold day, and the wind was strong. Raza was sitting at the bank of the lake, he pulled me over. the atmosphere was pretty calm. He embraced my arm and gently kissed me on my lips. it was my first kiss...with my first bf. we were sitting, hand in hand for hours.
I suddenly saw a guy leaning against a tree (u can describe the tree, to be a little bit more poetry...u knw wat i mean). His sad eyes seemed to toward to heaven's rim.

And try to work more on the tense...for ex, in this case, need not to use past perfect tense or watever u call it (had+V)

[Eternal_Baka]

eternal..: ur passage would be better if u didnt mixed the tenses.
seem cant distinguish bw present and past!

and bdw, use "bored" not "boring" .. Ex: I'm bored, she's bored, or you're boring
Where did I use "boring"? In contrast, you are the one who used "boring" in the second sentence. :P
Here is my other interpretation of the paragraph:

Part 2: Dream Boys
Half a year has passed, I had my first boyfriend. He is tall and slim, his eyes are wide but not as sad. The image of the strange boy haven't disappear. However, I wasn't sure if I loved Raza because of his image or not.
I'm not sure.
Raza and I went for a walk around the lake. It was chilly and I felt it couldn't get any better. He sat near the bank of the lake, and pulled me next to him. He said nothing and there was silence. Raza gave me a tight hug. I did nothing. I felt very secure in his arms. He placed a kiss on my lips. It was my first kiss, with my first boyfriend. We sat there for hours and wouldn't let our hands part.
While we're sitting, I saw a boy standing against a tree. His eyes are so sad and he was looking for something in the distance.

Here is a tip from me. Use this only if you are writing a paper. If you are writing novels or fictions, these are not necessary :3
1) Don't start a sentence using "but", "and". Use transitions such as "however", "alternately", "fortunately", "yet", "although", etc.
http://depts.gallaudet.edu/englishworks/writing/transitions.html
2) Don't use "got" (ex: "I got my first boyfriend"), "a lot", other "slang" words.
Other than that, I think it's very well written. =]

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

eternal: oh it was a typo, i meant in that case not using "bored"...

[jainie]

have got = have, I think that. Thankyou, I don't know what this story is, maybe it is a novel. I think the word boring is true, because it isn't feeling,
I didn't tell Raza about him, of course. How could I tell Raza that I loved him just because he was similar to another man? No, I couldn't. Raza was my gentle dream and I wouldn't lose him, on any account, I wouldn't lose him!
I went shopping. I was on a staircase of the supermaket. A man was in front of me and I didn't find it difficult to relize him. He was the very man I had saw and couldn't forget!
I didn't know what I should do. He walked slowly, just distanced me one step! (chỉ cách tôi một bc' chân )
He coutinous to walk leisurely (anh ta vẫn thong thả bước). But I nearly ought to run because of his long leg (nhưng tôi gần như phải chạy vì anh ta sải bước rất dài). Suddenly, he stopped and I crashed into him.
-Sorry... _we said at about the same time.
I looked at the ground. Very much books are lay out.(vương vãi)
-terrible sorry _ I said again_ let me recollect them for you
-I can do it myself.
-No, no,.._. I said and immediately did it.
He went away again, with almost of his books.
-Wait... There is one books left here. I cried as aloud as I could, but he couldn't hear
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
p/s: past 3 will come soon, thankyou once more

[jainie]

1) Don't start a sentence using "but", "and". Use transitions such as "however", "alternately", "fortunately", "yet", "although", etc.
http://depts.gallaudet.edu/englishworks/writing/transitions.html
2) Don't use "got" (ex: "I got my first boyfriend"), "a lot", other "slang" words.
Other than that, I think it's very well written. =]
I will remember that, but I'm use to use this structure, so I will get it difficult to espress. But I will try my best. Thanks

[jainie]

past3:the book withous some final page
I brought it back to home. The title was "love so much". I read it slowly, wanted to explore it's owner.
I had a message from Raza: "Go to bed, dear!". I smiled, turnd off the light. Than I had a deed sleep.
The next morning, I couldn't remember what I had dreamt about. I felt rather tired, so I decided not to go to school. I wouldn't be at home, thought. I suddently thought about the book. Than I changed my clothers and went out.
I passed the road. In my hand was a namecard which I had found in the book. I stopped in front of the house, near a mailbox. In my mind, last night dream suddently appeared, flitting just liked a wind.I standed next to a mailbox. Next to me was a tall and thin boy. But I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza of not. He didn't looked at me. His eyes seemed toward to heaven's rim.
I rang the doorbell. 5 minutes later, a man appear inside the door.

huhu, where are you? If no one read this story, I willnot continous!>.<

[Pha Lê Tím]

Don't worry
Let's continue

[Eternal_Baka]

I'm sorry for the late reply (even though I did nothing wrong xD). Because of hurricane Ike, I have no power for 4 days T.T
So...To make up for it, I'll translate 2 passages :D (still, I'm a novice so if there are mistakes, please forgive me ^^)
-----------------------
I didn't tell Raza about him, of course. How could I tell Raza that I loved him just because he was similar to another man? I couldn't. Raza is my gentle dream and I wouldn't lose him, on any account, I wouldn't lose him!
I went shopping and stood on the escalator<1>. A man was right in front of me and I didn't find it difficult to acknowledge his present. He was the very man I had seen and I couldn't forget!
I didn't know what to do. His footsteps were one ahead of me!
He continue to walk leisurely. But I almost had to run because of his wide steps. He stopped suddenly and I crashed into him.
-Sorry... - We said at about the same time.
I looked at the ground. There are many books lying around.
- I'm terribly sorry - I said again - Let me get them for you.
- I can do it myself.
- No, no,.. - I said while picking up the books.
He left. With books in his hand.
- Wait... There is one book left. - I cried out as loud as I could, but it didn't reach him

<1>: I think the staircase in supermarkets are escalators :P
Note: Your English is getting very well. Just a tiny mistakes such as "..I had saw..." and "..there is one bookS left..." Those errors could be recover very quick :D
-----------------
Part 3 : The book without final pages
I brought the book home. The title was "love so much". I read it slowly, I wanted to explore its' owner.
I had a message from Raza: "Go to bed, dear!". I smiled, turned off the light, and had a nice sleep.
The next morning, I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. I felt rather tired so I decided not to go to school. I wouldn't be at home, though. I suddenly thought about the book. Then I changed my clothes and went out.
I passed the road. In my hand was an ID which I have found in the book. I stopped in front of a house and stood near a mailbox. In my mind, last night's dream suddenly appeared, fitting just like a wind. I stood next to a mailbox. Beside me was a tall and skinny guy. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza or not. He didn't look at me. His eyes seemed toward heaven's rim. I rang the doorbell. Five minutes later, a man appeared at the doorway.

The story is a little bit depressing, what is it about?
Note: Your tenses are a little bit askew, just work on it and I think you'll be fine before you knew it!

[jainie]

I always finish what I have start.
Now I'm busy, so I will come back after a time

oh, I will not post it into anywhere else but my blog ^^. I'm a very lazy blogger

[Eternal_Baka]

A blogger *chuckle*, that sounds pretty cute, hahaa
Alright, take your time

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

eternal: U did not have power? me neither. Man, i was living in dark for 5 days. Today is the best day of my life. which state r u in?

[jainie]

- good morning!
- good morning, girl
- are you Mr Jonathan?
- Yes, who are you?
- I'm Jasstina. Someone have left this book in a supermarket and I find your ID inside it.
- Let me look it, oh, there is not my book.
- There a name in its back._ I show him_ J.Evant, Do you know?
- I'm not sure, maybe... - he halt- A customer of my wife. But...
-What?
- It was an terrible accident, terrible... die...-although his voice became too weak to me to hear clearly, I could understand what he want to say
-died?_ I cried
- yes,Now I don't know who is it owner, so you can keep it, or do anything you want.
in Fact, I don't want to finish ịt I love my character and I don't want to say goodbye to her ^^, But I will try to keep it like it origin- when appear in my head

[Eternal_Baka]

I live in Houston : ), how about you?

For jainie ^^
- Good morning!
- Good morning, girl
- Are you Mr. Jonathan?
- Yes, who are you?
- I'm Jasstina. Someone dropped this book in the supermarket and I happened to find this ID inside.
- Let me take a look...Oh...This is not my book
- There is a name printed on the back - I showed it to him - J.Evant, do you know this person?
- I'm not sure, maybe... - There was a pause - A customer of my wife, but...
- What happened?
- It was a terrible accident, horrible..he...died -
Although his voice is too soft to be heard, I could make out what he was saying.
- Died?! - I raised my voice
- Yes, I don't know who's going to have posession of the book now, you can keep it or do anything you want.

Tip: Normally, when you refer to Mr. Ms. and Mrs., you use their last name. I assume Jonathan is the first name, if not, then it's fine to use Mr.Jonathan there =]

[jainie]

and you, wat the pee, where r u? for two of you: what your name? I want to write it down if I post this story into my blog. not laugh at me ^^
For baka: let me rewrite it follow my opinion, don't ask me why ^^
- Good morning!
- Good morning, girl
- Are you Jonathan?
- Yes, who are you?
- I'm Jasstina. Someone dropped this book in the supermarket and I happened to find this ID inside.
- Let me take a look...Oh...This is not my book
- There is a name printed on the back - I showed it to him - J.Evant, do you know this person?
- I'm not sure, maybe... - There was a pause - A customer of my wife, but...
- What happened?
- It was a terrible accident, horrible...died... seven months ago... -
Although his voice is too soft to be heard, I could make out what he was saying.
- Died?! - I raised my voice
- Yes, I don't know who's going to have posession of the book now, you can keep it or do anything you want.

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

Here im...just making up for days not having power. For part 3, ur rewriting is pretty gud, so no correction except:
1. in story or literature in general, using less passive action, for ex: although his voice was too soft to be heard, i could make out what he was saying....prob is this sentence doesnt hav same subject (his vouce, and i) which is confusing. So it could be done by saying: Although I barely heard wat he was saying, i could somehow figure it out.
2. I still dont get if u wanna tell a story in the past or present, coz it's kinda confusing and hard to correct.
That's all my suggestion, and dont be mad at me, im just totally honest

[Eternal_Baka]

You..wished to know my name? It's an honor...I'm Jin. =]
Well, there is nothing wrong with your opinion, except that I'd recommend on the line
"- It was a terrible accident, horrible...died... seven months ago... - "
You left readers a question here "Who died?"

[jassie]

what's that, jainie? why did he die? >.<

[jainie]

I am back now, ^^
sry because last time I'm very busy
I will tell u ur right : U r considered to be co-author so u can rename characters, change details or even events if u want. We are all there just to learn EL! :D
4 Wat the pee: He will not mad at u . You was completely right and kind, so continue to help us! By the way, what's your name?
4 Baka: honour? when did u begin to stand in ceremony like that? ^^ . No pageview, no comment and no friend: that's all about my blog. But I still to left ur name there. Jin? that's OK if u want to use that name. Anyway, the prase "Jin &Jainie" sound good, I hope that it won't be the same to "Tom&Jerry" haha. By the way, I mean "nghe tieng dc tieng mat", but If u want I will change that detail.
4 jassie: U must know that well, coz u r the main character.^^. By changeu have the same name with her.That's quite interesting
Now, restart
past3:the book withous some final page

I brought the book home. The title was "love so much". I read it slowly, I wanted to explore its' owner.
I had a message from Raza: "Go to bed, dear!". I smiled, turned off the light, and had a nice sleep.
The next morning, I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. I felt rather tired so I decided not to go to school. I wouldn't be at home, though. I suddenly thought about the book. Then I changed my clothes and went out.
I passed the road. In my hand was an ID which I have found in the book. I stopped in front of a house and stood near a mailbox. In my mind, last night's dream suddenly appeared, fitting just like a wind. I stood next to a mailbox. Beside me was a tall and skinny guy. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza or not. He didn't look at me. His eyes seemed toward heaven's rim. I rang the doorbell. Five minutes later, a man appeared at the doorway
- Good morning!
- Good morning, girl
- Are you Mr.Bbrawell?
- Yes, who are you?
- I'm Jasstina. Someone dropped this book in the supermarket and I happened to find this ID inside.
- Let me take a look...Oh...This is not my book
- There is a name printed on the back - I showed it to him - J.Evant, do you know this person?
- I'm not sure, maybe... - There was a pause - A customer of my wife, but...
- What happened?
- It was a terrible accident, horrible...died... seven months ago... - Although I barely heard wat he was saying, i could somehow figure it out.
- Died?! - I raised my voice
- Yes, I don't know who's going to have posession of the book now, you can keep it or do anything you want.

I went award the man but he had passed the road. A car came, between he and I. Than I didn't see him any more.
I stopped and chafed my head. What was happening? The dream still was so mysterious with me. And the conversation with Jonathan made me felt afraid. Anyway, I wouldn't throw it away. I don't know why, but I though that I shouldn't do that.
Night on the park was very quiet. The park was near my house and I often go there to watch stars. They were too far to reach, but near enough to see and dream about.
A man walk award me. Tall and thin. He! I stared at him, wanted him to go on but also didn't want that. I tried to stay at my seat, but then I felt cold and afraid. I ran away from him.
-Jassie! Wait
It was Raza's voice. I came down and stopped. What had I just though? So funny! I grinned. Raza came, and gave me a tight hug.
-Why did you run?
-I just joke!
-Don't do it again, you make me fear!
-Fear? you? For what?
- I'm afraid I will lost you someday. Promise with me, promise that you will never let me alone!
-Oh, what are you saying? Not so serious!
-Yeah, it's. Promise, dear! I can't set my mind at rest unless you promise!
-OK, I promise
That moment, I didn't know that I can't keep it.
Than we went out. I went to an bookshop while he were going for some basketball instruction. It took me a shorter time than I had thought. I satisfactorily came out of the book shop to find Raza was waiting for me. He was standing against the ward in the dark.
-You come soon, how long have you waited for me?- I asked when I walk forward him
-Jassie!- Raza had just come and called out.
I turned back and looked at the guy standing in the dark again. That was HE! It's he that said to have died! He was looking at me with widen eyes and stand more straigh.
-Jassie? Aren't you?
-Ye...Yes...Evant
-Evant... He repeated with a strong passion voice and his eyes had an aspect hard to decribe.
No sooner that, Raza came there, took my arm and pulled me back. I turned back and said: "I'm taking one of your book, 'Love so much' "
-Who is he, Jassie?- Raza asked me when we were going home.
- I don't know.
-You don't know him?
-I'm not sure
-What?-He raised his voice...
I could not get it. Mr. Brawell seem not to tell but he seem not to be a spirit only. Although he was, as it were very strange, I could talk with him as well as see him clearly. I didn't understand any thing at all so that I came to meet Mr. Brawell again. this time I met his wife.
-What can I do for you?
-Well...I mean I want to know about a people...
-Oh, who?
-Was there a guy called Evant used to come to your shop?
-My bookshop? Evant?
-Yes,you know, who had died in an accident a few months ago.
-Oh yes, there was someone like that, It was a horrible accident, but she was a girl.
Pardon me, I was glad for a moment
-A girl?
-Yes, that's real. I know her well.
-Well. can you tell me more clearly?
-Yes, if you want. Jass was a pretty girl. She as tall as you and as young as you. She was a close customer of my bookshop. She liked book very much. One day when I met my friend, she told me that Evant was died in a crush. Oh my God, she was so young and so beautiful. I can't forget her, even though it was seven months or seven years.
-You said her name was Jass Evant?
- Yes, Jass Scarlly Evant.
-Something glided my mind. I asked her:
-Did she have a boyfriend?
-I'm not sure. Oh, one time she go with a boy but I didn't know whether he was her boyfriend.
-Could you tell me what's his name?
-I don't know. Maybe...er... oh, I can't remember.
-Thank you for all information.
I sat in my house's balcony, heard to the rain and though about everything. He liked a strange wind which had mix my life since the first meet. I closed my eyes. "Love so much", I though I hadn't understand these word clearly until I read that book. The book told about a girl in her last days before came to a very far place. She had a heart disease. It's sad, so sad, just liked his eyes. I didn't know why God make me meet him? For what?
The book seem to have lose some end page, but it's not very important because everything had ended.
"Goodbye my life! Wait for me and life for me! I will be with you whenever you need me. Don't forget me, dear. But open your heart with the girl who you love as much as love me! Death had seperated us but I will wait until death of life bring us together again. It's so hard to die when I still love you so much. But everything will go alright and I will love you as much as this even though I won't exist anymore"
It's a passage from the book. I understand how tragic is the thing he had to suffered. I could replaced her on his heart. Jass , who are you? Did you know a girl called Jasstina is also exist in this life?

[Eternal_Baka]

No offend but uh...I was confuse while reading..You time-jumping too much ><
Ex:
- Yes, I don't know....anything you want
Then you jump to
"I went toward the man but he was gone".
Do you see the time-skipping there? :P Jass was at Mr.B's house, then she's at the street walking toward some man. Hehee

Part 3: The book without some final pages

I brought the book home. The title was "love so much". I read it slowly, I wanted to explore its' owner.
I had a message from Raza: "Go to bed, dear!". I smiled, turned off the light, and had a nice sleep.
The next morning, I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. I felt rather tired so I decided not to go to school. I wouldn't be at home, though. I suddenly thought about the book. Then I changed my clothes and went out.
I passed the road. In my hand was an ID which I have found in the book. I stopped in front of a house and stood near a mailbox. In my mind, last night's dream suddenly appeared, fitting just like a wind. I stood next to a mailbox. Beside me was a tall and skinny guy. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza or not. He didn't look at me. His eyes seemed toward heaven's rim. I rang the doorbell. Five minutes later, a man appeared at the doorway
- Good morning!
- Good morning, girl
- Are you Mr. Bbrawell?
- Yes, who are you?
- I'm Jasstina. Someone dropped this book in the supermarket and I happened to find this ID inside.
- Let me take a look...Oh...This is not my book
- There is a name printed on the back - I showed it to him - J.Evant, do you know this person?
- I'm not sure, maybe... - There was a pause - A customer of my wife, but...
- What happened?
- It was a terrible accident, horrible...died... seven months ago... - Although I barely heard wat he was saying, i could somehow figure it out.
- Died?! - I raised my voice
- Yes, I don't know who's going to have posession of the book now, you can keep it or do anything you want.

I went toward the man but he was gone. A car came, between he and I. Then I couldn't see him any more.
I stopped and scratch my head. What just happened? The dream was still mysterious to me. And the conversation with Jonathan made me ponder. Anyway, I wouldn't throw it away. I don't know why, but I thought that I shouldn't do that.
Night in the park was very quiet. The park was close to my house and I often go there to watch the stars. They were too far to reach, but close enough to see and dream about.
A man walk toward me. Tall and thin. Him! I stared at him, wanted him to go on but also didn't want that. I tried to stay at my seat, but then I felt cold and afraid. I ran away from him.
-Jassie! Wait
It was Raza's voice. I came down and stopped. What was I thinking? So funny! I grinned. Raza came, and gave me a tight hug.
-Why did you run?
-I was just kidding!
-Don't do it again, you scared me!
-Scared? you? Why?
- I'm afraid I will lost you someday. Promise me, promise that you will never let me go!
-Oh, what are you saying? So serious
-Yeah, it is. Promise me, dear! I can't set my mind at rest unless you promise!
-OK, I promise
That moment, I didn't know if I could keep it or not.
Then we left the park. I went to a bookstore while he was going for some basketball practice. It took me a shorter time than I have thought. I came out of the bookstore to find Raza was waiting for me. He was standing against the ward in the dark.
-How long have you been waiting for me?- I asked when I walk toward him
-Jassie!- Raza had just come and called out.
I turned back and looked at the guy standing in the dark again. That was HIM! It's him who was supposed died! He was looking at me with widen eyes and stood straight.
-Jassie? Aren't you?
-Ye...Yes...Evant
-Evant... He repeated with a strong passion voice and his eyes had an image that is hard to describe.
Raza came running, took my arm and pulled me back. I turned back and said:
-"I have one of your book, 'Love so much' "
-Who is he, Jassie?- Raza asked me when we're on our way home.
-I don't know.
-You don't know him?
-I'm not sure
-What?!-He raised his voice...
I don't get it. Mr. Brawell seems to have some secret but he seem not to be a spirit only. Although he was, as it were very strange, I could talk with him as well as see him clearly. I didn't understand any thing at all so that I came to see Mr. Brawell again. this time I met his wife.
-What can I do for you?
-Well...I mean I want to know about a person...
-Oh, who?
-Was there a guy called Evant used to come to your shop?
-My bookstore? Evant?
-Yes, you know, who was supposed to died in an accident a few months ago.
-Oh yes, there was someone like that, It was a horrible accident, but she was a girl.
Pardon me, I was glad for a moment
-A girl?
-Yes, a girl. I know her well.
-Well. Can you tell me more?
-Yes, if you want. Jass was a pretty girl. She is as tall as you and as young as you. She was a close customer of my bookstore. She liked book very much. One day when I met my friend, she told me that Evant has died in a crush. Oh my God, she was so young and so beautiful. I couldn't forget her, even though it was seven months or seven years.
-You said her name was Jass Evant?
- Yes, Jass Scarlly Evant.
-Something glided my mind. I asked her:
-Does she have a boyfriend?
-I'm not sure. Oh, one time she went with a boy but I didn't know whether he was her boyfriend.
-Could you tell me what's his name?
-I don't know. Maybe...er... oh, I can't remember.
-Thank you for the informations.
I sat in my house's balcony, listen to the rain and think about everything. He was like a strange wind which has mixed my life since our first meeting. I closed my eyes. "Love so much", I thought I haven't understand these word clearly until I read that book. The book told about a girl in her last days before she come to a very far place. She had a heart disease. It's sad, so sad, just liked his eyes. I didn't know why God make me meet him? For what?
The book seem to have lost some end page, but it's not very important because everything has ended.
"Goodbye my life! Wait for me and live for me! I will be with you whenever you need me. Don't forget me, dear. But open your heart with the girl who you love as much as love me! Death has seperated us but I will wait until it brings us together again. It's so hard to die when I still love you so much. But everything will be alright and I will love you as much as I do now even though I won't exist anymore".
It's a passage from the book. I understand how painful he has to go through. I could replace her in his heart. Jass , who are you? Did you know a girl name Jasstina also exist in this life?

[jainie]

sry if I make u can understand, but those passage r about her dream" I stood next to a mailbox. Beside me was a tall and skinny guy. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza or not. He didn't look at me. His eyes seemed toward heaven's rim."..."
I went toward the man but he was gone. A car came, between he and I. Then I couldn't see him any more.
I stopped and scratch my head. What just happened?"
I want 2 mix them with the real 2 have some effect.

[Eternal_Baka]

You mix sentences with transition words.
To mix line 23 "- Yes, I don't know......anything you want." and line 24, I think it's okay to use "after the conversation <something else happens>."
Because the girl was at someone's house, then suddenly she went toward another man, and a car came between them...Heh? See how awkward it is? :P
Also, line 7 "Last night's dream...", why is that there? The girl didn't talk about the dream...Does she?
I have to go to school now so...I'll either: edit my comment or read it again to make sure I understand :P when I came back.

[jainie]

u seem not yo understand yet. That's her memory about last night dream. First, she said :The next morning, I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. Than the mailbox remind her, coz it also appear in her dream: In my mind, last night's dream suddenly appeared, fitting just like a wind. I stood next to a mailbox. Beside me was a tall and skinny guy. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't know whether he was Raza or not. He didn't look at me. His eyes seemed toward heaven's rim.. And when she left the house, she though that he had died by an accident, and by chance, the rest of her dream was I went toward the man but he was gone. A car came, between he and I. Then I couldn't see him any more.. And she felt upset coz she couldn't know what was happening. I can't u after conversation coz I mix the event with the memory
u get there?

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

ok here r some corrections:

it's was Raza's voice. I came back to my sense and stopped ( or i calmed down and stopped).
Scared? you? Why?
- I'm afraid I will LOSE you someday. Promise me, promise that you will never let go OF ME!
That moment, I didn't know THAT I WOULDN'T KEEP THE PROMISE.
I came out of the bookstore to find Raza . He was standing against the ward, waiting for me, in the dark.
TO BE CONTINUED...GOTTA GET BACK TO CLASS!

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

- "I don't get it. Mr. Brawell seems to have some secret but he seem not to be a spirit only. Although he was, as it were very strange, I could talk with him as well as see him clearly. I didn't understand any thing at all so that I came to see Mr. Brawell again. this time I met his wife"....This part is confusing, of course Mr. Brawell is not a spirit, u have mentioned above that u met him. i dont get wat u mean in this part.
- "My bookstore? Evant?
-Yes, you know, who was supposed to died in an accident a few months ago"...shouldnt use supposed in this part..sounds little bit awkward!
-"She is as tall as you and as young as you"...repetition is no use...just put down "she is as tall and young as u (are).
-"She was a close customer of my bookstore. She liked book very much. One day when I met my friend, she told me that Evant has died in a crush. Oh my God, she was so young and so beautiful. I couldn't forget her, even though it was seven months or seven years."...ok i would rewrite it like this : "She was a familiar customer of my bookstore. she liked books a lot. For God sake, she was so beautiful and so young to die at the early age. she was in a car crash. I couldnt forget her, even thou it's been seven months or seven years, perhaps"
-"I sat in my house's balcony, listen to the rain and think about everything. He was like a strange wind which has mixed my life since our first meeting. I closed my eyes. "Love so much", I thought I haven't understand these word clearly until I read that book. The book told about a girl in her last days before she come to a very far place. She had a heart disease. It's sad, so sad, just liked his eyes. I didn't know why God make me meet him? For what?".....rewriting: "I made myself a place out of my house's balcony, listening to the special raindrop melody and rearranging my thoughts. he was like a marvelous wind (strange does not fit here) that messed up my life since our first meeting. i closed my eyes, "Love so much", i didnt have a complete understanding of those words until i read that book. the book talked about a little girl's incident of her last days, before she went to a far away place. she had heart disease. the book was like a sad love song. i wonder why God let me meet him? wats the reason?"
- a few last pages were lost....
- "I could replace her in his heart. Jass , who are you?">>>this sounds little flirty, but anyway, ur ideas, ur story!

By the way, next time, break it down, i'm already tired just by looking at it!

[Eternal_Baka]

I would like to visit Janie's blog =]

[jainie]

Mr. Brawell seems to have some secret but he seem not to be a spirit only -> sry, "he" mean Jass's boyfriend, I don't know how 2 say bc Jassie haven't known his name

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

ok nw it even more confusing, Jassie didnt knw the owner of the book was a girl, and hw did she knw that Jass got a bf? hw she was so sure that she saw Jass's bf as a spirit or real or watever?

or maybe she should have related Jass's bf with the blond hair guy that she saw at the very beginning...but she didnt knw that was Jass's bf

[Eternal_Baka]

My suggestion is that we just go along with the story. In the end where Janie post the whole thing up, then let's fix it. Right now is just putting everything together and try to have the least amount of errors possible : )

[jainie]

Now I think I'm very crazy(từ này hok bít có chuẩn không, nhưng ý tui là "ngông cuồng" bên TV í :D) when try to write such a complex story with a short knowlege and skill. But U can't do anything if you don't try doing, so I will continue to be crazy!
I'd like to write small segment, bc I can improve my EL skill step by step. They say "If u give me a fish, I can eat it now, but if u teach me to fishing, I can have fish 4 all of my life" Is it right? :D
For "wat the pee" If u don't like, I will "cut, cut, cut" ^^ I said that u could change details if u want.
Part 4: You're welcome
A long time after that I didn't see him. I though that I could hurt Raza if I think about another man too much. Frankly, I'm a loyal girl.
But I can't stand when went home and looked at the book. I feel this book is very important for he, So I decided to try to give it back. It's so difficult that I must took it along every where I came. One time, I touched him on a bus. I though It's time to do something.
- Wait...
- Yes.
- I want 2 give you ur book.
He took the book, staired at it.Than he looked at me and suddenly said:
- U said u was Jassie?
-No, I don't.... er, I mean yea, But I'm not Jass . I'm Jasstina.
-U know her?
- No, not sure, erm, I want to say I nearly don't know her.
-Thank you
-My pleisure,. Sorry but I had read it without permission. A really good book. I like it.

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

jainie: i told u before "dont be mad at me", coz i knw my words sometime sound didactic, and critical...bt again as i told u before im totally honest. And this s ur story i hav nth to do with whether like or dislike it, im just helping u out here!

[Eternal_Baka]

It's "Give a man a fish and he'll live for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll live for a lifetime" :P
Okay, let's start o.0
---
I didn't see him for awhile. I thought that I'd hurt Raza if I kept thinking about another man. Frankly put, I'm a loyal girl.
However, I couldn't stand it when I arrived home and saw the book. I have a feeling this book is very important to him, so I wanted to try to give it back. It's very incovenient that I must take it everywhere I go. Luckily, I saw him on the bus one day and reached for him. I thought "this is the perfect time".
- Wait...
- Yes?
- I want to return your book.
He took the book and stared at it. Then he looked at me and suddenly said:
- You said you were Jassie?
- No, I don't...Erhm, I mean yea, but I'm not Jass. I'm Jasstina.
- Do you know her?
- No, I'm not sure, erhm... - I wanted to say I nearly don't know her.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure. I apologize for reading without permission. It's a really good book, I enjoyed it.
-----------
You need to work on your subject agreement :P
For ex: "HE dropped the book" and "This book is very important to HIM", not "HE" ^.^
Also, your verb tense "I must TAKE the book to everywhere I GO", "I TOOK the book everywhere I GO" (came = Past tense of "come" = đến)
Stare = Verb; To look at something for a period of time
Stair = Cầu thang
Than = Comparison
Then = Have to do with time "We ate for 30 minutes, THEN we went home"
Was = Past tense of IS "He WAS there"
Were = Past tense of ARE "You WERE there"
Pleasure ( I believe this is a typo ^.^ )
"I have READ" < --- Past participle
Xin lổi, Baka sửa nhiều quá...Nhưng Baka nghĩ đó là điều tốt, phải không Janie? =]

[jainie]

err... sry wat the pee, maybe u misunderstand me, I don't get mad at you, I just say that if you don't like any part of the story, you can cut it , bc it's not important 4 me. I just try writing smth or all I get from EL class can't stay in me head. bdw: the word " JAss bf" I just used to definitive him when I talk with you, I mean ... Ok, It 's a mess. I'm trying.... "( ông brawell có vẻ không nói dối, nhưng ANH TA chẳng có vẻ gì là một bóng ma" OK?
Oops! Baka,you mistype a Viet Namese word it's "lỗi", not "lổi", :)), you can do anything you think right, if I didnot want that, so why did I ask you 4 help? :D
- My pleasure. I apologize for reading without permission. It's a really good book, I enjoyed it.
-Enjoyed? No, it's not a good book, I detest it's author.
-oh, why?
- I detest the author, no complaination.
-The good book, the good author- I still resisted on my opinion.
- You say as if you was Jassie!
- That's it, I'm Jassie
-Oh, I forgot. I must go now
- Wait.... What's your name?
- It's not necessary.
He was right. Name is the very thing just used to distinguish this person to that one. He's too espencial to need smth like that.
Next to me was a lady, she wishper :" You can't count him on anything. I'm his neighbor. The deepest deep have it's bottom, but you can't reach his depth"
She was right, too. I can't get her word out of my head. Right! The deepest deep have it bottom. And I believe that I can reach it! (ngông cuồng ngang cơ Jainie -> bạn ơi cho mình làm quen :D)
I was looking at Raza. He was very handsome with a very warm smile. He was playing basketball. "Beloved Raza, I love you"- though me. But then I was suspicious about everything. I though about that guy as much as RAza. Maybe more. Beautiful sunshine. Quiet atmotphere. I felt warm and would never forget that moment- when I have my boy beside.

[Eternal_Baka]

Ah, sorry sorry =P
My Vietnamese is getting worse ><..I'm afraid I might not be able to write in Vietnamese T.T
Okay..Here goes
---------
- My pleasure. I apologize for reading without permission. It's a really good book, I enjoyed it.
- Enjoyed? No, it's not a good book, I detest its' author.
- How come?
- I detest the author, no explanations.
- Good book, good author - I insisted.
- You say as if you were Jassie!
- That's it, I'm Jassie
- Oh, pardon me. I have to go
- Wait...What is your name?
- It isn't necessary.
He was right. Name is just something that used to distinguish one person from another. He is too special for something like that.
Next to me was a lady, she whispered:"You can't count on him in anything. I'm his neighbor. The deepest ocean has a bottom, but you can't reach his"
She was right, too. I can't get her word out of my head. Right! The deepest ocean has a bottom. And I believe I can reach it!
I was looking at Raza. He seems very handsome with a smile filled with warmth. Watching him play basketball, I thought "Beloved Raza, I love you". But then I was uncertain about something. I thought about that guy as much as Raza. Perhaps more. Beautiful sunshine. Quiet atmosphere. I felt warm and would never forget that moment when I have my dearest beside me.
--------
No offense, I'm lost in your story xD. Where did the woman come from? Weren't Jassie with the owner of the book? 0.o

[jassie]

Jainie! those words are" If you give me a fish, I will eat it today, If you teach me to fish, I will eat my whole long life"

[Eternal_Baka]

Wait...The character Jassie....came to life~ O.O

[^_^wat the pee^_^]

jainie: who is the guy she was trying to give the book back?
i think im lost!

[jainie]

OK, everyone is lose here, so I'm looking for a way to express what I mean. Frankly, my VNese story isn't understandable, either, as my friends say. I'm always lazy on writing them clearly. So....

[Eternal_Baka]

By "everyone", you excluded me right? :D
Your story is totally comprehensible :O, except for one tiny bit of a problem...You "time-jump" too much. Like I said, just keep on writing, do not stop to think about what others said and try to change it. After your story is finished...Then, we(everyone) will look into the details and find ways to make it better, agree?
You can also choose not to take my word =]

[jainie]

Despite of all thinking, I could't help being walking with HE. Not side by side, of course. HE was in front of me. I looked at him so attentively that I nearly crash against him once more time.
HE turned back, saying:
-You sould be more careful, little girl.
-Sorry.... -I said, although I dislike being called little girl: HE seem not older than me.
HE went on, and so did I . Suddenly, HE turned back and stared at me.
-Why do you follow me?
-No, I don't follow you!
-Really?
-Sure, I just... Ok, I'm following you.
-Why?
-I want to make friend!
-Make friend? Silly! You think that I'm interesting and out- going enough?

-Yes, of course.

-I don't like to be your acquaintence, so you should stop here!

-But...

-I told you to stop here!

-Maybe you're right- I said and go far and far.

Silly! I would haven't been Jassie if I had done that. So I still stand there and looked at him with challenging eyes:

-Road isn't only for you. You can go anywhere you want and so can I!

-I want to go home!

-So go to your home!

-But you're taking my way!

I turned back to find myseft standing in front of a door. Than I turned aside so him can go.

HE opened the door, and came in.

-Do you mind if I come in?

-Yes- HE said

I came in, though.HE looked at me with knitted brows:

-I will call the police.

-Really? It's OK. I haven't seen them for a long time and begin to miss them, But you needn't do that, I just want something to drink, I nearly died of being thirsty

...

-Here you are- HE gave a cup of coffee

-Milk, please.

-Here is my house, not a restaurant!

-OK, ok.Will you bring out a can of milk or sugar? And then I will add to my coffee myself.

-I have none of those thing. And if you don't like...

-I don't like, but I will drink it.

I take comfort in a sofa, drinking my coffee with all of its bitterness. After a while, he suddenly said:

-There is no one come here for such a long time.

I shrugged my shoulders, continued to enjoy my drink:

-There will be no one come here as you're alway warmed people to keep away from you, and as you just want police to visit your home only.

Silence for a while, then HE said:

-There are you... and Jassie.

I stoped drinking, raised my eyes to look him. Not only was I a talkative girl, but also was a good listener. And I know when to keep silence.

-She sat in that sofa, drinking coffee in that cup- HE glanced at me and smiled (khẽ mỉm cười, hoặc cười mỉm cũng được, có ai biết từ nào hợp hơn ko?:help1::read:) - But she like original coffee, little girl!

In a second I wished having said I liked coffee. Then I reproved myself. though. Why did I ought to be similar to her? I was me anh she was her. There are nothing connecting me to her, nothing but HE.

HE didn't continue, and finally I left his home, just because I couldn't get any reason to stay more longer.
here is the rest of part 4 ,which I think is quite simple, so I can post a long passage. I will return as soon as posible. ^^

[Eternal_Baka]

No offense, it's getting a little bit confusing....I'm having trouble understanding the story T.T
---------------------------
Despite of all thinking, I couldn't help walking with HIM. Not side by side, of course.
HE was in front of me. I looked at him attentively that I nearly crashed onto him.
He turned
- You should be more careful, little girl.
- Sorry - I said, although I disliked being called "little girl". He doesn't seem that much older than me.
He went on, and so did I. Suddenly, he turned and stared at me.
- Why are you following me?
- No, I'm not
- Really?
- Sure, I'm just...Okay, I'm following you.
- Why?
- I want to make friend!
- Make friend? Silly! You think I'm that interesting and outgoing?
- Of course.
- I don't like to be your acquaintance, you should stop
- But..
- No buts
- Maybe you're right - We split
Silly! I wouldn't have been Jassie if I had done that. So I still stand there and looked at him.
- The road isn't only for you. You can go anywhere you pleased and so can I!
- I want to go home!
- Then go!
- You're in my way!
I turned and find myself standing in front of a door. Then I stood aside so he could go.
He opened the door, and came in.
- Do you mind if I come in?
- Yes - He said
I stepped inside anyway. He looked at me frowning
- I'll call the cop
- Really? It's okay. I haven't seen them in awhile and starting to miss them but needless for you to do that. I just want a drink, I'm dehydrated
...
- Here you go - He gave me a cup of coffee
- Milk, please
- You're not in a restaurant!
- Okay, okay. Do you have any cream or sugar then?
- I have none of those and if you don't like it..
- I don't, but I'll drink it anyway.
I took comfort on his sofa, drinking the coffee with all of its bitterness. There was a pause for awhile, then he spoke
- I haven't had a visitor since forever
I shrugged, and took a sip of coffee
- No one will ever visit if you want them to stay away
There was a pause
- You..and Jassie
I stopped, raised my eyes to look at him. Not only was I a talkative girl, I also am a good listener. And I know when to stay silence
- She sat on that sofa, drinking coffee in that cup - He glanced at me and smiled - But she likes plain coffee, little girl!
In a second, I wished I said I liked plain coffee. I reproved myself. Why did I ought to be similar to her? I'm me and she's her. There is no connection between us, nothing but HIM.
He didn't continue, and finally I left his house, simply because I had no reason to stay any longer.

[tienu]

No offense, it's getting a little bit confusing....I'm having trouble understanding the story T.T
---------------------------
Despite of all thinking, I couldn't help walking with HIM. Not side by side, of course.
HE was in front of me. I looked at him attentively that I nearly crashed onto him.
He turned
- You should be more careful, little girl.
- Sorry - I said, although I disliked being called "little girl". He doesn't seem that much older than me.
He went on, and so did I. Suddenly, he turned and stared at me.
- Why are you following me?
- No, I'm not
- Really?
- Sure, I'm just...Okay, I'm following you.
- Why?
- I want to make friend!
- Make friend? Silly! You think I'm that interesting and outgoing?
- Of course.
- I don't like to be your acquaintance, you should stop
- But..
- No buts
- Maybe you're right - We split
Silly! I wouldn't have been Jassie if I had done that. So I still stand there and looked at him.
- The road isn't only for you. You can go anywhere you pleased and so can I!
- I want to go home!
- Then go!
- You're in my way!
I turned and find myself standing in front of a door. Then I stood aside so he could go.
He opened the door, and came in.
- Do you mind if I come in?
- Yes - He said
I stepped inside anyway. He looked at me frowning
- I'll call the cop
- Really? It's okay. I haven't seen them in awhile and starting to miss them but needless for you to do that. I just want a drink, I'm dehydrated
...
- Here you go - He gave me a cup of coffee
- Milk, please
- You're not in a restaurant!
- Okay, okay. Do you have any cream or sugar then?
- I have none of those and if you don't like it..
- I don't, but I'll drink it anyway.
I took comfort on his sofa, drinking the coffee with all of its bitterness. There was a pause for awhile, then he spoke
- I haven't had a visitor since forever
I shrugged, and took a sip of coffee
- No one will ever visit if you want them to stay away
There was a pause
- You..and Jassie
I stopped, raised my eyes to look at him. Not only was I a talkative girl, I also am a good listener. And I know when to stay silence
- She sat on that sofa, drinking coffee in that cup - He glanced at me and smiled - But she likes plain coffee, little girl!
In a second, I wished I said I liked plain coffee. I reproved myself. Why did I ought to be similar to her? I'm me and she's her. There is no connection between us, nothing but HIM.
He didn't continue, and finally I left his house, simply because I had no reason to stay any longer.

Extraordinarily good in English. If my humble train of knowledge doesn't rail wrongly, I believe you are living in USA. The red-marked words are those I drop my confuse... Hope you don't mind gaining me some explanation...

@Author: You haven't got a real grasp of the language, yet..


- I don't like to be your acquaintance, you should stop

"Acquaintance" appears somewhat unnatural. It's destroyed the whole atmosphere of "nonsense"-talk-of-a-bunch-of-rude-and-crazy-teenagers.


-Milk, please.

-Here is my house, not a restaurant!

Do they serve coffee in a restaurant? Not here, where I live, at least -_-'' I think there's a name of Coffee Shop or Café @_@


------


Just ignore my nonsense comment.. I know I'm lame, anyway.

Mom has threatened me to hang my head on the ceiling so far, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to take complains and issues on my stringy comment (if there are any)

@_@ Stormy day, budds. I'm off for praying now -_-''

[Eternal_Baka]

Does the "threat-to-get-hung" have any relation to your profile picture? xD
Well, where do you live? Because I believe they serve coffee in restaurants, any restaurants.
Your comments aren't nonsense at all tienu =], my English is still in-the-work so...Yup, all criticisms are welcomed :3 What do you mean by explain those red marks?
The sentence "I don't like to be your acquaintance, you should stop" would've been better if it was "company" instead?

[tienu]

Extraordinarily good in English. If my humble train of knowledge doesn't rail wrongly, I believe you are living in USA. The red-marked words are those I drop my confuse... Hope you don't mind gaining me some explanation...

@Author: You haven't got a real grasp of the language, yet..



"Acquaintance" appears somewhat unnatural. It's destroyed the whole atmosphere of "nonsense"-talk-of-a-bunch-of-rude-and-crazy-teenagers.



Do they serve coffee in a restaurant? Not here, where I live, at least -_-'' I think there's a name of Coffee Shop or Café @_@


------


Just ignore my nonsense comment.. I know I'm lame, anyway.

Mom has threatened me to hang my head on the ceiling so far, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to take complains and issues on my stringy comment (if there are any)

@_@ Stormy day, budds. I'm off for praying now -_-''


Does the "threat-to-get-hung" have any relation to your profile picture? xD
Well, where do you live? Because I believe they serve coffee in restaurants, any restaurants.
Your comments aren't nonsense at all tienu =], my English is still in-the-work so...Yup, all criticisms are welcomed :3 What do you mean by explain those red marks?
The sentence "I don't like to be your acquaintance, you should stop" would've been better if it was "company" instead?

No, Mom doesn't have that power. She might threat to hang me on the roof, but never can make me having a frightful avatar like that. I belong to The Dark Side beyond The World: Hell. And I love draining myself to the last drop of energy. Even Mom gets alarmed sometimes when seeing me "suiciding" -_-'')

As I said: You are extraordinarily good in English. I don't know everything of the language, hurtful fact. Just check out if you have special reasons for those red marks (you've been following this story longer than I). You wouldn't mind if I lay some notice on them?

1. he doesn't seem older than me: The story is written in Past Tense (most are). He didn't seem older than me at that time, but probably, I look much younger than him. Appearance changes, thing changes.
2. I'll call the cop: I'm not very sure at this point. I suppose "cop" should be of plural form - cops. Check up, budds: When generalising individuals from a known organisation, you use plural-form.
3. I'm dehydrated: You scared me, budd. This sounds like a Physic or Chemistry, or Medicine term. De-hydrate: to (cause) lose water. (You must have learnt about Osmos in Bio-physic and chemistry, right?) According to the original text: I nearly died of being thirsty --> I'm dying of thirst! (Being thirsty and...drink coffee?! The coffee just makes your thirst worse ^^)
4. stay silence: stay is a state verb. After a state verb comes an adjective. Eg. I become dull since mom hit me in the head; I am stupid; ect.
5. said: I wished I had said that I liked plain coffee (black coffee?!) The "saying" thing is in the past, happening before the "wishing" thing, which is written in Past Tense. The "preferring" thing is still true ("I like it," said I --> I said I liked it.) Past Perfect Tense and then Reported Speech :D

Basic basic basic, personally, I hate Grammar, too *_* Cry me a river, budd. Grammar is my best skill, after Writing. Speaking is useless, and Vocabulary is...terrible -_-'' (I remain shock: I've got only 80% in the General English Test. I miss stupid points)


HE looked at me with knitted brows:


He looked at me frowning


1. I don't see anything to be corrected here.

2. Am I frowning or he frowning? You missed a comma (, ) so the whole meaning was changed. "He looked at me, frowning." See see see, the importance of placing punctuation marks rightly!! - exclaims my teacher all the time.


Hope you take this as a sharing piece of advice.. I see you change the words sometimes. It's good: We avoid the stringiness of words. On the contrary, you might change the personal qualities of both the author and the characters in the story. You know, everyone has their own writing style. You think it's better to express this in that way, other has something else on their mind. My teacher usually tells me that I have to stick by the case and do not take any subjective view on anything, though, giving the writer your opinion or suggests, which base on consequence. I believe you understand what I mean.

Sum it up, you did a great job, honestly. Impatience is my lacking point sometimes, if I don't find anything interesting enough :D

---

I'm living in Sweden.. Since I came here, I know the fright of learning new language -_-''

---

- I don't want to be your friend. You should stop!

They mentioned the "making friend" previously, right? why change?

---

This is amazing! I can't believe I've written this much -_-'' Don't find me if you have any vision problem :D

Stormy weary dreary sweet sweating night, budds.

[Eternal_Baka]

An essay in the morning and one at night..Alright! That should get my brain clicking...
Sweden, that's very nice :D, they speak English there? (Lack of Geography [cultures] right there)
It's very nice of you to tell me my mistakes, thanks a buncha...I have so many grammatical errors that I started to hate it..
I came to the U.S. when I was in the 5th grade so it isn't that bad...I wasn't afraid or anything xD because I've learned quite a very few, you could say, English from a teacher who came back to VN from US(I think), lucky eh ^.^
How long have you been in Sweden?

[jainie]

I'm back now. I think I must work on my English more. So continue to give me comment. Thankyou.
About coffee, I think it's surviced at many countries and not in others ^^. But I must admit that If he want to compare, perhaps he will choose Coffee shop ^^
Part 5: New member
The door was opened. A girl with medium height came in. She wore a red T-shirt with the word "I love green". Not very nice but not so bad. She looked no one and took a place herself.
It was Mirror Club, the clud of which she was a new member. Many people turned to looked at her or say some wishper with another. She didn't seem to be a good photorgrapher, though we rarely knew who would be good at taking photograph.
The header of that photography club just glanced at her. She still smiled since she knew it's impossible to desire on a welcome lecture or such unneccessary things.
Thirsty minutes before, she stood in front of me, asked:
-Is it enough for the first appearance?
I looked at her sandal, her jeans and shirt roller up as high as possible and her great cap with two panda ears, then left a honest comment:
- Perfectly good.
However, she decided to dress more carefully, such a way that not ot provoke too much antipathy. Anyway, it didn't take her any time. I looked at me again. She was standing inside my mirror, with a camera on her left hand.
About the header, neither was him a stanger to me, nor it was difficult to guess. HE was Elias (the name I had gotten in the mailbox in front of the house I had entered once)
A guy grinted and said:
-Oh, Elias, you forget something. Should we know something about our new friend?
He glanced at me again, said reductantly:
-You can introduced yourself, can't you?
-Sure, but I have nothing to introduce. but Jasstina- my name.
-That's all?- "grinting guy" asked me- So, have you just apeared in this life last second?
He had a good sense of humour and was a open book. Thanks for him, my first experience wasn't so bad. It was a joyful club. All started to introduced themselves, or talk about some activities of that club. At 9:30 p.m, Elias announced:
- That's all for today, so every one can go. Goodbye! Patric and Current, please linger on and have something to say.
We said goobye and left. Maggie, a bigger girl gave me a lift. She said very much. I took the chance to asked:
-What do you think about our header?
-Elias?
-Yeah
-Urm... He's a brilliant photographer, as it were, though he don't take photograph much recently. A dutiful header. And you... What do you think?
-Well, nothing, I mean no important thing.
- Haha, girl, don't care how much unfriendliness he shows. He have turned into that since Jassie passed out.
-Jassie? His girlfriend?
- Yes, she is, You know her?
-Yes,but, how was he before?
-he had been friendly, out- going, pleasant... Oh, your house here?
....

[coiconuongcutenhiuny^^]

can you help me how to learn english because i learn english not very good and sometime i don't like english. i think english is very interesting but it is very diffcult for me............................
i want i will learn english very good. what do you think?
thanks you very much

[Eternal_Baka]

Part 5: New member
The door opened. A girl with a moderate height walked in. She wears a red T-shirt with "I love green" imprinted on the front. Not pretty but not so bad(?[I don't get what you're trying to say here]). She didn't pay attention to anyone and seated herself.
It was Mirror Club, a club of which she was a new member. Many turned to look at her or whispering to each other. She didn't seem to be a good photographer, though we rarely know who would be good at photography.
The club's president glanced at her. She's still smiling since she knew it's almost impossible to desire for a welcome or such unnecessary things.
Thirty minutes earlier, she stood in front of me
- Is this enough for first appearance?
I looked at her sandal, her jeans and shirt roller up as high as possible and her great cap with two panda ears, then gave an honest comment:
- Perfectly fine.
However, she decided to dress more carefully, in a way that it's not provocative. [Anyway, it didn't take her any time. I looked at me again. She was standing inside my mirror, with a camera on her left hand.](I don't get this part)
About the president, he is neither a stranger to me nor it was difficult to guess. He was Elias (the name I have gotten in the mailbox in front of the house I entered once)
A guy grinned and said:
- Oh, Elias, you forgot something. Should we greet our new friend?
He glanced at me reluctantly
- You can introduce yourself, can't you?
- Sure, but I have nothing to introduce except my name, Jasstina
- That's it? - The "grinning guy" asked me
- So, have you just came to this world in the past second?
He has a good sense of humour and was a open book(Open book?). Thanks to him, my first appearance wasn't so bad. It was a joyful club. Everyone began to introduce themselves, or talk about activities of the club. At 9.30 P.M., Elias announced:
- That's all for today, so everyone can go. Goodbye! Patric and Current, please stay behind I have something to say.
We said our farewells and departed. Maggie, a bigger girl gave me a lift. She is a garrulous girl. I took the chance to ask
- What do you think about our president?
- Elias?
- Yeah
- Urm..He's a brilliant photographer, however he doesn't take as much photographs recently. A dutiful leader. How about you? What do you think?
- Well, nothing, I mean it's not important
- Haha, girl, don't keep in mind how unfriendly he shows. He turned into that since Jassie passed away.
- Jassie? His girlfriend?
- Yes, she is, you know her?
- Yes, but, how was he before?
- He was very friendly, outgoing, a pleasant person..Oh, is this your house?
--------------------
Jainie...You time jumping too much
No offense but in the next part, don't wait for others to help you fix it, try to fix it your own. Read the passage more than once to see your mistakes. Okie? =]
I'm busy nowadays because of testing and getting prepare for college so I don't have much time to go online and play around =P
P.S: I did this in a short period of time so there WILL be errors, please forgive

[jainie]

- Haha, girl, don't keep in mind how unfriendly he shows. He turned into that since Jassie passed away
-> Haha, girl, don't keep in mind how unfriendly he shows. He turned into that WHEN Jassie passed away.
I think it will be better^^

[jainie]

I'm back ^^
The next period of time, I used to come to The Mirror club as well as his house. I sometime met Mrs Norris, the woman I had seen on the bus. At first she was very surprised seeing me.
-How can u entered that home?
I smiled
-Why not?
-Oh... such a ratty host

-Why do you say so?

-My girl has came in that house, and she said that he was a frightened porcupine with sticking up quills and at loggerhead with anyone he meet!

-oh,-I smile- such a harmonious remark.

-And he sometimes says meanlessful words.

-I think people can’t understand him well. He have his own purpose to being that.

-You’re hopely right.

Then, I somtimes got her house, sat in her garden and talked about everything on the earth. I had never seen her girl, but it isn't important for me. According to her mother words, she was decent and graceful. Any way, that are words of a mother about her daughter.

About my cozy seat in Elias house, it wasn’t deserted, of course. I sometimes brought along a bottle of milk or even milk tea.

-What a chilly day!

-So, why do u still get your jeans rolled up? By the way, I mind when u come in, if you ask.

-OK, I want to ask so, but since you said that. I’ll come in.

-Hey! Why do you still ask me from time to time but never regard my words?

-I come in because I want so. I’m not a wild cat begging for a carpet in front of your door!

I sat comfortably in his armchair again:

-What a warm atmostphere!

-That because you come from the cold. You just feel warm when you have gotten a remarkable cold only.

-What will you treat me today? Black coffee?

-Oh no, because I can see you having your own plastic cups of milk tea.

-Yeah!- I smile- I want to show you what really drink is. One cup for me and one for you. And you must thank me.

-Thank you? A day dream...

-OK, you have already done it, haha.

In a corner of the room was an old piano. I sat down, looking it intentionally.

-It hasn’t played for so long...- His voice was heard.

--It can’t play, Someone plays it!

-Oh, girl, you will see, it plays.

I didn’t want to make an argument with him, that lead to nowhere. Maybe he thought it has it’s own soul, or he can make it talk and if that, this is a really romantic and lovely thought. I put my fingers on frets and started my composition. I was admittedly not good at playing piano. Raza did it better. Honestly, I thought he was better at playing piano than basketball.

-Stop your noisy sound!-He said, and I as usual ignored his words.

-Hey, are you deaf?

-Yeah- I said

He pulled me out anh took my seat in front of the piano, began to perform while I standing there and seeing him with eyes of the winner

[jainie]

http://thiep123.com/thunhac_v2.swf?thu_id=92941&soundAutoPlay=true
hem, nghịch tí nha ^^

[*Em_gái_của_chị_vịt*]

I'm back ^^
The next period of time, I used to come to The Mirror club as well as his house. I sometime met Mrs Norris, the woman I had seen on the bus. At first she was very surprised seeing me.
-How can u entered that home?
I smiled
-Why not?
-Oh... such a ratty host

-Why do you say so?

-My girl has came in that house, and she said that he was a frightened porcupine with sticking up quills and at loggerhead with anyone he meet!

-oh,-I smile- such a harmonious remark.

-And he sometimes says meanlessful words.

-I think people can’t understand him well. He have his own purpose to being that.

-You’re hopely right.

Then, I somtimes got her house, sat in her garden and talked about everything on the earth. I had never seen her girl, but it isn't important for me. According to her mother words, she was decent and graceful. Any way, that are words of a mother about her daughter.

About my cozy seat in Elias house, it wasn’t deserted, of course. I sometimes brought along a bottle of milk or even milk tea.

-What a chilly day!

-So, why do u still get your jeans rolled up? By the way, I mind when u come in, if you ask.

-OK, I want to ask so, but since you said that. I’ll come in.

-Hey! Why do you still ask me from time to time but never regard my words?

-I come in because I want so. I’m not a wild cat begging for a carpet in front of your door!

I sat comfortably in his armchair again:

-What a warm atmostphere!

-That because you come from the cold. You just feel warm when you have gotten a remarkable cold only.

-What will you treat me today? Black coffee?

-Oh no, because I can see you having your own plastic cups of milk tea.

-Yeah!- I smile- I want to show you what really drink is. One cup for me and one for you. And you must thank me.

-Thank you? A day dream...

-OK, you have already done it, haha.

In a corner of the room was an old piano. I sat down, looking it intentionally.

-It hasn’t played for so long...- His voice was heard.

--It can’t play, Someone plays it!

-Oh, girl, you will see, it plays.

I didn’t want to make an argument with him, that lead to nowhere. Maybe he thought it has it’s own soul, or he can make it talk and if that, this is a really romantic and lovely thought. I put my fingers on frets and started my composition. I was admittedly not good at playing piano. Raza did it better. Honestly, I thought he was better at playing piano than basketball.

-Stop your noisy sound!-He said, and I as usual ignored his words.

-Hey, are you deaf?

-Yeah- I said

He pulled me out anh took my seat in front of the piano, began to perform while I standing there and seeing him with eyes of the winner

Đây là theo muội sửa lại, nếu có gì sai thì cho muội xin lỗi nhe ^^

The next period of time, I used to come to The Mirror club as well as his house. I sometime met Mrs Norris, the woman I had seen on the bus. At first, she was very surprised seeing me.

-How can u entered that home?

I smiled

-Why not?

-Oh... such a ratty host

-Why do you say so?

-My girl has came in that house, and she said that he was a frightened porcupine with quills sticking up and being a loggerhead with anyone he meet!

-Oh,-I smile- such a harmonious remark.

-And he sometimes says meaningless words.

-I think people just can’t understand him well. He have his own purpose being like that.

-Hopefully you’re right.

Then, I sometimes went to her house, sat in her garden, and talked about everything on the earth. I had never seen her girl, but it isn't important for me. According to the mother's words, she was decent and graceful. Anyway, that are the words of a mother about her daughter.

About my cozy seat in Elias' house, it wasn’t deserted, of course. I sometimes brought along a bottle of milk or even milk tea.

-What a chilly day!

-So, why do u still get your jeans rolled up? By the way, I do mind when u come in, if you ask.

-OK, I want to ask, but since you said that, I’ll come in.

-Hey! Why do you still ask me from time to time but never regard my words?

-I come in because I want to. I’m not a wild cat begging for a carpet in front of your door!

I sat comfortably in his armchair again.

-What a warm atmosphere!

-That because you come from the cold. You just feel warm when you have gotten a remarkable cold only.

-What will you treat me today? Black coffee?

-Oh no, because I can see you having your own plastic cups of milk tea.

-Yeah,- I smile- I want to show you what real drink is. One cup for me and one for you. And you must thank me.

-Thank you? A daydream...

-OK, you have already done it, haha.

In a corner of the room was an old piano. I sat down, looking it intentionally.

-It hasn’t played for so long...- His voice was heard.

--It can’t play unless someone plays it!

-Oh girl, you will see, it plays.

I didn’t want to argue with him, that would lead to nowhere. Maybe he thought it has its' own soul, or he can make it talk and if that is true, it is a very romantic and lovely thought. I put my fingers on the frets and started my composition. I admitted I am not good at playing piano. Raza did it better. Honestly, I thought he was better at playing piano than basketball.

-Stop your noisy sound!-He shouted, and I, as usual, ignored his words.

-Hey, are you deaf?

-Yeah- I said

He pulled me out and took my seat in front of the piano. Then he began to perform while I stand there and looking at him with the eyes of a winner.

Theo mình thì bạn đừng nên dùng chữ said nhiều quá. Bạn có thể dùng những từ như là
Giận dữ: explode, shout, scream, yell, screech
Vui vẻ: chirp, chime in
Im lặng: whisper, said (in a hush voice)

[Eternal_Baka]

I just took the SAT yesterday, planning to come back today to help but it seems like someone is really kind enough to reduce my work :3, thank you ^.^
You have a few mistakes, *Em_gái_của_chị_vịt*, fortunate enough, were one to read the passage carefully, they wouldn't probably see it =P
Once again, I appreciate it =P (you probably won't know how grateful I am xD)

[*Em_gái_của_chị_vịt*]

Well, I know I would probably make mistakes since I'm not very good at the grammar, just basic grammar and spelling. I try my best to help. I'm sorry for my mistakes :) I only come to the USA for 4 years. My English weren't really good, but I tried my best to learn :) Anyway, your story is very interesting. I hope I can read more ^_^

P.S: Just call me Sammy for short xP

[letue]

hehe i see that this box is getting boring
we shud do something to make it more interesting okie :)

[bòcon_nosua]

shud u?letue and go ahead
do it better by urself /.ok

[bòcon_nosua]

. He have his own purpose being like that.

ko thể chia động từ ở ngôi thứ ba số ít như vậy được mình thấy các bạn rất hay ko co chia động từ ở ngôi thứ ba số ít đâu.chú ý nhé.
he has

[letue]

"do it better by urself"
bạn có thấy câu này shock lắm ko
ý của mình là hồi lâu mình thấy cái English box này vui lắm
đông lắm
nhưng nhưng dần dần ít đi
thì chỉ góp ý zay thôi
btw i said WE SHUD mean all of ú
us*
not only myself okie ^^

[bòcon_nosua]

sorry about that mate.letue
but u no what
mọi người ko có ai english đối với họ là first language cả.bạn thấy đấy ngay cả khi chia động từ cũng còn hay nhầm.vì vậy những người được sinh sống ở nước ngoài, nhất là ở các nước nói tiếng ạnh.mình cũng hi vọng với những tiếp xúc với tiếng anh hàng ngày.mọi người hãy cùng nhau do this box better.thanks erveryone for coming and sharing ur knowledge of english.

[Eternal_Baka]

Lul, I have no idea what to write in response to Sammy's response xD
I'm pretty sure that I did not get my "động từ ở ngôi thứ ba số ít" wrong. I have no idea what those mean since I left VN when I was a little kid having a little, very little knowledge of English using Vietnamese explanations.
Well uh...I don't know what else to say so...I'll just send this comment :P

P.S: Thanks again Sammy =], if you don't mind, may I ask in which state you're currently reside in (If in the U.S.)?

[*Em_gái_của_chị_vịt*]

Ah, I live in New Jersey currently, but I don't know if I'll be moving to Georgia soon. It's all depend on my mom and dad's decision xP

[Eternal_Baka]

Ah, New Jersey, is it currently cold there?
This will sound abit stereotyping but..I happen to reside in a state in which the majority of Vietnamese live....Houston =P
Tell your parents to move to Houston :D

[jainie]

thanks and thanks, Sammy ^^
mấy bữa nay bận quá bây giờ mới ghé qua được, cũng tại một mớ kì thi nữa, 3K vừa thi SAT ha, làm có tốt hok vậy (chắc có :)) Trùi ui bận ngập đầu lên í, lại còn phải đọc "Việt Nam sử lược" nữa (Jainie ghét lịch sử kinh khủng và tớ thề là nếu không vì mục đích cực kì cao cả thì tớ sẽ không bao giờ rớ lấy một chữ trong cái quyển chết tiệt đó.
about this box, I have the same idea to you. In fact, Jassie has been bored with it and try to do something, but may be her way isn't good enough, or she isn't patient enough ^^.
http://www.matnauhoctro.com/4rum/showthread.php?t=299959

[Eternal_Baka]

SAT kì này hơi bị dể, không biết làm có ra trò tróng gì không nữa....Please allow me to write in English, it's easier T___T
I have no idea how well I did, I just know that it's a LITTLE BIT, yes...Very little..easy. So..I have to wait about 1/2 a month for the result, gosh...I'm so nervous *~*

[letue]

lolz i took both so many times when i was in HS( ACT+SAT)
the maths part was pretty easy
but the English part was kinda hard.

[*Em_gái_của_chị_vịt*]

hi hi, has been a few days since I can post on 4rum. I'm preparing for my 8th grade SAT test which I'll took in January. I am currently going crazy with the verbs lolz. Anybody have any tip they can give me :cr: