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Ðề tài: Lurid Sky

  1. #17
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    Do I look pitiful to you? Because my life isn't revolving around romance. Because the day people get work up all over is something completely slipped my mind. As soon as the question is on the tip of my tongue, I sighed and kept it inside. There's no point in asking, since your feelings are yours alone. I'm not going to pretend to be fine and say it doesn't affect me in any way. But ultimately, I don't see the point of trying to convey my thoughts that would be twisted according to how people perceive it. Each person stands ground for their own opinion. I don't intend to change your opinion nor my own. So what good does asking such question do? In the end, doesn't it all come back to square one?

    Which is more pitiful? Not being loved, or not being able to love?

    A terrible question. One that I hope no one would have to asked themselves, either answer will only leave a bitter feeling in your heart.




    thay đổi nội dung bởi: ...Meme..., 13-02-2017 lúc 11:39 PM


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  2. #18
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    Why did you have to cry? I didn't mean to make you cry. All the faults were mine. Someday, I will have to pay the price what I did. And it is fine, with me. There was no one could give me forgiveness, because there is no one has the right to do so. That's why, my pain won't be eased. My guilt won't be erased. And that is fine, with me.

    But, it is not fine with you. Your love makes you worry about me. And it's just plain painful. Love is harder to deal with than hatred. It hurts more than hate. What's more, only people who are truly loved can get hurt by it. I'm lucky, I know. But my soul can't be saved. At least not by telling stories and listening to sermon.

    It's easier to give up. Just give up on me. It'd be easier for both of us. I've passed the point of wanting to be saved. I just want to be left alone now. It wasn't easy to get to this point. There were countless tears and lot of efforts spent to become what I am now. So honestly, it pains me to see you cry, but I'm still not moved. I guess, my resentment is bigger than I thought.


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  3. #19
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    Empty, hollow, pitch black kind of feelings inside.

    I wonder why, no matter how many times I told myself to move on, to move forward, no matter how much I've done and accomplished, I still felt myself standing still, stuck at that same place I have always been. What I thought a straight road, was in fact, a roundabout loop that repeats itself.

    So today I am still here, at this starting line of contemplation.



    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  4. #20
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    Read the old diary I kept since 2012. It was like, what, only 5 years, and already, I cannot recognize that self of mine anymore. That just goes to show how unreliable my brain is. Ahhhh, the pain, the struggle. Nope. Don't recall a thing. Even those 12 years of torturous school life is now but a vague memory. At this point, I think others might have more accurate memories about me than me.

    It's not like I've completely forgotten it. What I was back then contributed to what I become now (not that it was a good thing), so there's no way I could forget. But, unlikely before, in which whenever I recalled painful memories, I would feel a pang in my heart and tears swelling up in my eyes, I hardly feel anything when I think about them now. How sad I was during school from being bullied and alienated. How I think about dying and killing myself every morning when I was depressed. There were countless tears shed during those periods. But looking back at them now, I don't really feel anything. It's as if I was staring at a picture of a past event and be like "oh, so I was at that place once."

    Pain. Sorrow. Sadness. Anguish. Despair. Feelings I thought would haunt me forever suddenly became just a "fact," a daily life occurrences that didn't leave much impression.

    If this is because I was over it, then it couldn't have been better, but I think it was more like an unsympathetic reaction. Total impassioned to things. I've grown numb to pain, both others and my own. Sounds a little bad. But compared to before, which being all miserable and tried to play the part of tragedy heroine, this is definitely a lot better.






    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  5. #21
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    thay đổi nội dung bởi: ...Meme..., 13-12-2017 lúc 10:04 PM


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  6. #22
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    Even when the mind turned blank and everything inside was reduced to nothingness, even when there was nothing but emptiness, this yearning in my heart still burns so fervently that it hurt. However, this scorching heat so intense it threatened to burnt away my very existence, was the last driven force that kept me going. For if this flame ever got extinguished, my life would turn meaningless, my body would crumble and gladly embraced its death.

    It was unknown why despair overflowed my heart. It was meaningless to even think about it, so I stopped. When I became conscious of it, I had let everything go. Everything but this burning yearning in my chest. I didn't know what it was, couldn't determine the identity of this heat. The only answer it ever gave was an unbearable desire akin to a sea of magma swirling inside. It hurt. It was painful. But more than just pain, more than just suffering, there was a tingling sensation of euphoria. Like a narcotic drug, it brought me on high, and I was more than satisfied.

    Yearnings bred more yearnings. Anguish bred more anguish. The end of a cruel endless loop was severity with one's humanity. When all paths led to dead ends, hopelessness gave birth to insanity. When pain stopped reaching the heart, despair became euphoria.

    It was unknown when I started to let myself be drifted with the current. When I became aware of it, my whole existence was hung solely on that thread of burning desire. Nothing else mattered. I yearned for that feeling of despair. I yearned for that euphoric feeling. An addict. Many times, the remnant of my sanity accused me of the sins I have committed, telling me it would have been better if I was to die. I totally agreed, but I couldn't give up on this yearning. Even when it burnt everything inside me to ashes, turned my existence into a wretched thing that better off gone, I wanted to feel it a little longer, for as long as I could. Nothing else mattered.

    So this was what it meant by being driven by one's instinct. What it meant by letting go of everything and lived solely for one purpose.

    How wretched.

    Once again, despair overflowed my heart, and once again, that euphoria filled me with pleasure. Once again, I couldn't help but smile, let everything go, and enjoy that feeling.


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  7. #23
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    To get rid of the passion for something, it's best to say them out loud I guess. It may not always be the case, it may be wrong. But since everything was generated from my assumption, why should I care about the otherwises?

    For some reasons, I felt some kind of resonance with this song even though the content of lyrics has nothing to do with me. The first time I heard it, I didn't like that much either. How strange.

    But well, this isn't the first time. It feels strange, puzzling, confusing, but not at all suprising. Sometime, it happened, I felt in crazily in love with a song. For no particular reasons, the melody seized my heart to the point of breathless. A really puzzling feeling. I had no way to describe it, so I can only say that it was love because of the similarities.

    It's dumb. To feel for no reason. But the heavy pressure of that feeling weighs on my heart was real, so much that I couldn't help screaming out loud meaningless words just in order to breathe.

    With these dumb things, it's best to keep them in and lock them away. Too shameful to let them be known. Too stupid to let them be shown. But they kept overflowing, and I couldn't keep them contained. This was my last resort. A small prayer, pray that I would be forgiven with just this much. Not being able to endure these small things, just how weak I have become. I know that. I really do.

    These days, I kept thinking of a way to shut my mouth in public. Somehow I have gotten too carried with my clowny facade. My frustration from bottling up kept spilling out and I found myself often speak in unpleasant and stupid way. Even when I was fully aware of it at that very moment, I was unable to stop myself.

    Honestly though, I know it was my fault to begin with. I have isolated myself too much, to the point I have forgotten how to socialize. Just how stupid is that?! Well, I'm reflecting on it now. Even though it was a real pain, I should have kept my little circle of socialization. At least I wouldn't have this built up frustration from staying shut up for too long. Lol. But even as I think about it now...yeah, it was a real pain. I regretted a little, but relieved even more. Hmmm, I really am not fit to live in this society. And with this loser-kind of mindset, I will never amount to anything in the future either. The future looks extremely bleak, .

    Time is ticking. Has always been, and always will be. The thought of tomorrow really gives a bitter taste on the tongue. How nonsensical is that? But after all, I myself is a ridiculous person. A child who stubbornly refused helps from others and insisted on standing alone but actually wanted to be led my the hand and be spoilt with the easy way.

    Truly, even as I keep pushing myself down to the bottom. The fact that I am a useless maggot in this world doesn't change. And I came to realize, I just wanted to comfort myself by abusing it before others did. By putting myself down, I feel assured. That there was no need for me to agonize over others' disdain eyes. That there was no need to feel anguish because of others' disappointed looks. Since I have already done so long ago. It's because I'm a coward that I can't confront people and their emotions dedicated towards me. If I just gloss over it, there's nothing they can do but give up on me. And in the occasion they stubbornly tried to confront me, I would bring it all down to hell. I have no qualm in incurring hatred in others, it would happen even if I didn't do anything anyway. But it mainly because I don't know other ways to go about it. That's why in younger years, around me was littered with people who liked to make my life difficult. I got to admit, I was extremely lucky that there wasn't any big incident happened until now, given how reckless this trait of mine is. I'm more prudent now, so it became more peaceful, but the fact that there wasn't anyone to make my life difficult could also be attributed to the fact that there wasn't anyone around me. It brought me peace of mind, but also proved to be a problem. Being too detached from the norm made me become more twisted without me realizing it. I think this is my biggest problem among many, many other concerns. It would be best if I begin to blend in with my circle, it's not a difficult task, but it's a real pain. A REAL PAIN!
    thay đổi nội dung bởi: ...Meme..., 15-01-2018 lúc 12:31 PM


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

  8. #24
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    Stubborn. Rigid. Inflexible. Apathy.

    I guess that summed it up. My whole person can be only described as boring. I know it, and I don't want to change it, and that's why it's a no wonder single life suit me best =)).

    Well, as time passed by, that idea isn't so funny anymore. Every time the number on the calendar changed, I was forced to realize the fact that time didn't wait for anyone.

    My stubbornness refuses changes. I don't intend to change. But if so, then in what direction do I want to go with this unchanged me? I've asked myself this, countless time, come up with countless useless answer, and in the end, I still returned to this starting point.

    Every time a new person barged into my life, I was overwhelmed. The fact that, my time, which has solely belonged to me before, was demanded to share with someone else...annoyed the hell out of me. The fact that my world, which I carefully arranged, carefully nurtured to be my rest place, was forced to alter to accommodate someone else...suffocated me.

    I know, in exchange for that, I got a partner, who would share their time and world with me. It's a good thing. I had also enjoyed my share in that partnership.

    However, I wonder why, it was something I could never get used to. No matter how well we got along, the part of me that yearned to be alone never ceased to exist. That's why, every time we fell through, the first feeling that came wasn't lost, anger, nor sadness, but relief. The feeling that, my world had finally become quiet again.

    It's bad...it's really bad...

    That said, it didn't mean I didn't get the feeling of lost or regret afterward. I did, sometimes when I looked back of what we had. But what was broken would never return to how it once was, so I know, those feelings were meant for something only existed in the past.

    I've moved on, but it didn't mean I've forgotten. If anything, I didn't want to forget. However, the flow of time was ever a cruel one, at some point in life, when I tried to recall that person and our memories, they had become blurred and vague, like a white mist in my mind. Eventually, all that was left was an ambiguous feeling of "someone like that once existed," and the glaringly clear scars left imprinted in the heart and mind.

    "One life, one meeting."

    Every time I let go of someone, I was reminded of that phrase. It would be a lie if I say it didn't hurt. It would be a lie if I say I didn't have any expectation. Did I want that person to stay? Yes. But I didn't make any effort to keep them. Did I want to? No. I didn't really mind if they wanted to go either. That state of apathy threw even me into confusion sometimes.

    In the end though, I was always more used to being alone.
    thay đổi nội dung bởi: ...Meme..., 21-03-2018 lúc 10:42 PM


    If there's any word I can use to describe my thoughts, it's "foolosophy."

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