Lurid Sky

[...Meme...]

just stupid ramblings that sounded like boasting, hah.

[...Meme...]

Remind me what this pain is,

Carve it deep into my heart,

So that I will never forget,

So that even if I try to, I can't.

Etched each and every scar on my skin,

So that it will bleed crimson,

So that it will make me sing words of pain.

Don't let it fade away,

Let it build up to be my grave.

Even in my happiest moments,

I still want to run away,

Still wanting to disappear.

Why?

Because that's the feeling I'm most familiar with.

Without it, I feel unease and insecure,

Like a little child wandered too far from home.

I longed for the familiarity and the comfort it brought.

No matter how far I ventured,

How many places I've been to,

How bright and beautiful they were,

In the end, I can only feel at ease in my dark, dark corner,

Where I can feel nothing but pain and sadness.

[...Meme...]

My taste in things haven't changed much compared to the past. What I liked in the past, I still like it now. What I hated in the past, I still hate them now. I wonder if that means I haven't changed much since then, still naïve, still stupid, still an airhead... really haven't grown up at all. So many things have happened over the years, it's actually more unbelievable to think I haven't changed. I myself don't even know what I wished for, to have changed or not. I hate myself when I remained naïve and got pushed around. But I also hate myself who got shaped by environment and was forced to adapt to it. Thinking about future, to not change is a dumb move, and yet, I can't help feeling relieved when I found the parts of myself which haven't changed. Really....what a headache.

[...Meme...]

Continuation...

--------

[...Meme...]

my favorite as of late

[...Meme...]

Returned to US after 3 months in Vietnam, finally felt like my heart was at ease. The smell of a familiar room, the softness of the bed, the warm of the light blanket, I realized I've missed them so, so much. Strangely, I didn't miss the people, not one bit, none, whatsoever. But it should be normal, considered the reason I went away for so long was to get away from them. The chaos half a year ago seemed so distance now, even though the aftermath still remained. The scars are still here, in me and in them, though I'm unsure of how much they actually care, maybe it's just my wishful thinking that they were wounded over it like me.

I just...couldn't care less now.

Trust was ruthlessly crushed, grinded into dust and scattered unto god knows where.


I don't think...I will ever cry so miserably again. It's not anything to brag about, but I know I'm an extremely sore loser, stubborn and willful. That's why, I disdain shedding tears in front of others. But...I've never cried more miserably in my life like then, and in public place, no less.

The pain, the tears back then, as well as the heartless gazes they gave me, even if I didn't want to, I was made to realize just how small my place was in their heart.

It's vexing. Really vexing.

I was in pain, and now that pain has turned into resentment, even though I know better than anyone to not let it become like that.

What do I resent them for anyway?

For not putting me on a pedestal like I did them?

For not placing our ties above all else, like an idiot I was?

Hahaha, so ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.

How filthy.

At this rate, my heart would dye black because of this. I would become an even bigger joke, because of this? No way. I refuse.

What had rot, was already too rotten to be saved. I just realized it too late.

I thought what I held onto was precious, but in reality, what had coiled around me were rotten and stinky ties. If so, then there's nothing else to do but to cut it off and cleanse myself of the filth.

[...Meme...]

I read, in order to resonate with others.

I write, in order to hold myself together.

-----

I isolated myself, believing only in the loneliness which would follow me for the rest of my life.

Even though it was a lie....

I still reached out, even as I pushed them away.

Isn't it funny? In order to push someone away, you need to extend your hand out first.

What was the true intention behind that hand that reached out?

I don't know.

I don't intend to let be known.

The truth was buried under piles and piles of lies.

The front. The mask. The façade.

After all the shows I staged to make myself seemed strong and fine, none of them changed who I really was.

At the core, I haven't changed.

10 years ago and now, that part of me hasn't changed.

Still so weak, so hatefully weak.

[...Meme...]

Tìm thấy lá thư mình viết cho mẹ ngày mẹ mất.

Mới 5 năm năm trôi qua thôi, mà nếu không nhìn thấy lại nó thì chắc chẳng còn nhớ gì.

Nói nghe như đùa, nhưng thật sự mình chẳng có một chút kí ức nào vào ngày hôm đó, những ngày sau đó, hay trong suốt tháng 6 năm đó.

Nghĩ cũng lạ,

1 tháng ăn ngủ vật vờ ở phòng khách trong khu điều trị đặc biệt, hàng chục cuộc họp mặt với bác sĩ, đối thoại với nhân viên xã hội, bảo hiểm, chứng migraine của mình bắt đầu từ ngày đó, thế mà giờ chẳng có một tí ấn tượng nào lưu giữ.

Sao thế nhỉ?

Lá thư này....viết vội trên một mặt của tờ giấy nháp 15x20, nhân viên xã hội đưa cho để ghi hướng dẫn vài ngày trước.

Ngắn gọn, nhạt nhẽo, không một lời miêu tả những gì xảy ra khi đó.

Thế mà, phần kí ức mờ ảo ngày hôm đó trong tâm trí mình bỗng nhiên hiện lên thật rõ ràng.

5 giờ 24 phủt chiều ngày 5 tháng 7,

That's how it started.

The rest? it's too long-winded to say, and too taxing on the mind to recall.

In short, one life was over at that moment.

...................................the body was still a little warm by the time I got there along with 2 brothers and dad.

The emotion back then was.... void.

Emptiness.

Nothing.

I didn't even cry.

And then other people come and, well, did whatever mourners should.

I went to the lobby and wrote this letter.

Haaaa....suddenly feel tired, maybe another day....