Lurid Sky

[...Meme...]

It's been awhile. Somehow, I lost motivation for everything, including writing. Feeling is a quite luxury thing to take notice of, because it always naturally passed by each day.

Sometimes, when I wanted to find myself of 2-3 years ago, I listened the songs I've listened back then. After all, no matter how much time has passed, I still like what I've liked back then. They always bring back memories and feelings, which is what I am so desperately in need of every now and then.

I prefer living for the present, but every so often, I want to run away from it.

Sometimes, when sadness came to visit me at night, I was overwhelmed with how much I loved that moment. Even now, when I have that person, my heart felt warm, but it also felt cold at times like this.

[...Meme...]

The number one reason I kicked a guy out of my life: playing mind games.

It sure is interesting to play mind games with someone, but I refuse to be a part of that twisted play.

If you want to stay silent, stay silent forever.

If you want to ignore me, let's stop any kind of contacts altogether.

If you want to test me, at least wise up your ass enough to do it.

I dislike people who broke their words and failed to keep their promises. I would ask how you were, but make no mistake, that would be the last time, because without a valid reason, you and I would never be friends again.

[...Meme...]

My heart breaks. Broke. Break. Broke. And break some more.

All that's left after dream is a broken reality.

Passage of time took that which kept me together away.

Falling apart. Disintegrated.

The world seems unfamiliar.

This me seems unbearable.

Fear. It was just fear.

Unable to face the hardship ahead.

Too sick of running.

Can't be a proper human being.

What's the reason for living?

[...Meme...]

Carved deep, deep inside my heart, was an inaudible scream.

How many years do I plan to go on like this?

I've escaped this circle, only to come back to it shortly.

I thought I had moved.

But when I stopped to look back, I haven't walked one step from where I was standing.

I don't want this.

I hate this.

This feeling of hatred that I couldn't afford to point at others, came back and pierced myself.

I just want to live normally.

I just want to be ''functional."

I just want, at the very least, not a burden to others.

Why is it so hard?

What do I want? What do myself want?

Why is it refusing to move? Why is it refusing to live? Why? Just why?

I don't understand. I really don't understand.

Everything is slipping away from my grasp. Everything. Even myself.

[...Meme...]

Why?

WHY??

I trusted you.

I TRUSTED YOU.

After all these years, after all this time, that was how little you thought of me. That was how fragile our bond was.

Why?? Why????

I had thought even if the world turn its back on me, you wouldn't. But you did.

I had thought you understood me better than that. There wasn't anyone else I confined in more.

27 years. We've spent all our lives together. And now I have face the fact that what we've had was just an imagination I cooked up. It was all an illusion. I diluded myself. It was all a one-sided feeling.

I shouldn't feel betrayed. This isn't like me.

So why do I feel so?

Why does it hurt so much?

Even if I was to be thrown away by the rest of the world, you wouldn't do that. How could I so foolishly allowed myself believe that?

How stupid. I was an utter fool.

I trusted you too much.

I trusted you.

It hurts, a little too much to bear.

Why?

Even though I trusted you so much. Even though I loved you so much. Why didn't you trust me?

[...Meme...]

The past. Memories. Feeling of linger attachment.

They're all just sentimentality now.

I broke up with an important person in my life - my best friend/childhood friend/cousin.

Hah, it sounds funny, but I don't think there's a better way to describe it.

My belief in them made up a part of who I was. They were one of the few support pillars of my small world.

So when my belief in them was destroyed, my small world was shaken and crumbled.

I was left confused and lost in the dark, afraid and scared.

Which seemed to be normal right up until yesterday suddenly became unknown and questionable.

I stumbled my way out, doubting everything around in order to protect myself.

The values I place on things changed, for better or worse.

The way I see people changed, for better or worse.

Sentiment.

Melancholy washed over me whenever I think back of our memories.

It was always a one sided view, from one person perspective.

What about you?

What was hidden in your heart all that time?

I really am...too tired to try to see into your heart any further.

[...Meme...]

I cut my hair, a short, undercut style, the same as when I was young.

I used to long for long hair so bad that I'd kick up a fuss whenever mom wanted to cut my hair.

Well, now she's gone, and I've willingly had this haircut myself.

This tiny nostalgia made me smile.

I've always thought that people who cut their hair because of a heartbreak was ridiculous. In the end, it was a meaningless action that helped nothing.

But now, I somehow feel at ease when I looked into the mirror.

The image reflected inside overlapped present and past. As though I haven't changed. As though I was still the same as before. As though I was still innocent like that 5 years old girl in my memory .

It gave me peace of mind, albeit the peacefulness that came from a false sense of reassurance.

[...Meme...]

Tôi đã từng tin sự gắn bó giữa chúng ta là kiên định, là chắc chắn, là vĩnh viễn. Rằng dù thế giới có đổi thay, dù chúng ta có cách xa, dù chúng ta có ra đời, lập gia đình mới, hay mai sau về già, chúng ta vẫn sẽ mãi một phần quan trọng trong cuộc sống của nhau.

12 đứa chúng ta

Tôi vẫn nghe, không có gì là vĩnh viễn.

Tôi vẫn nghe, mọi thứ, dù là gì, rồi cũng sẽ đổi thay.

Nhưng tôi từng tin rằng chúng ta là ngoại lệ, rằng sự kết nối giữa chúng ta mạnh mẽ hơn thế. Bởi vì, chúng ta sinh ra và lớn lên cùng nhau. Chúng ta là láng giềng, là bạn thân, là bạn thời thơ ấu, là anh em, họ hàng của nhau.

12 đứa chúng ta.

Tôi sinh ra và lớn lên với những khuôn mặt quen thuộc vây quanh. Dù xa cách một thời, các bạn vẫn nắm một phần quan trọng trong tim tôi. Khi sum họp, các bạn vẫn là mọi thứ với tôi.

Tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta từng là niềm tự hào của tôi, từng là thứ tôi đặt tất cả tin cậy, từng là tất cả với tôi.

Tôi sẽ không cần một ai, hay bất cứ điều gì hơn nữa, vì "chúng ta" là thế giới của tôi.

Tôi đã quá ngu muội, và bây giờ, tôi không thể cầm được nước mắt, bởi vì thứ tôi từng tin rằng là kiên định, là vĩnh viễn, thật ra rất mong manh và ngắn ngủi.

Tôi mất đi chỗ dựa trong cuộc sống của mình. Thật nhanh. Thật bất ngờ. Là do tôi quá tin, hay tôi quá mù lòa để nhìn thấy sự thật?

Nó bắt đầu từ bao giờ? Sự rạn nứt giữa chúng ta. Từ khi nào chúng ta không còn quan trọng với nhau? Từ khi nào chúng ta bắt đầu chán ghét, coi thường nhau? Từ khi nào tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta trở nên rẻ rúng hơn đồng tiền?

Ngay từ đầu, hay thời gian phai mờ nó đi? Tôi đã quá yêu các bạn để có thể nhìn thấy điều đó.

It hurt to breathe.

I felt like my eyes were opened.

I used to believe in people's kindness. I used to take people's words at their face values.

Although I know there were almost always a hidden meaning in people's words, but I'd be more than happy to play ignorance than let it bothered me.

And so, I've always focus on people's good intentions, why trying to dig for the hidden meanings in people's words and actions when that might not be what they "really" meant?

Yes, I know I was naive, but I'd rather think good about people than a bad impression that might occur from my overthinking thoughts.

I was wrong.

Because in the end, that only meant I trust people too easily. And trying to see them in good light meant I didn't see them for who they really were.

I was fine with that.

I was okay with being cheated out of something.

I was okay being used once or twice.

After all, what I lost would only be something physical. Nothing that can't be replaced. In return, I would be able to see their nature.

But no more.

In the end, no matter how righteous I tried to justify myself, the only thing it came down to is that I was just too "lazy" to doubt people.

When my world collapsed and my faith was lost, I could see how wrong I was for trusting people too easily and not try to see what's underneath, because it's the cause that made me placed my faith in the wrong thing.

You guys - my world, was broken to pieces. And I know it will never be the same, whether it's me, or you. My blind faith in our bonds can never come back, now that I've seen how fragile it actually is.

The pillar that had support me in life until now was grounded into dust.

So, I will forget it.

My world was broken.

So, I will build myself a new one, one that won't have you as an important element.

I didn't think I was such a crybaby.

I didn't think I've ever cried so miserably before in my life.

But now that it's all done and over with, it was nothing special.

Our bonds, our years spent together, it's all in the past.

The memories will always be there and be beautiful, but I will face my reality, and it is one that the beauty of our relationship was no longer there.

We're no longer the children we once were.

I've known that, but the true reality of it sank in quite slow and painful. This loss pierced my heart, and a left a big hole inside.

So, I will cry, today and maybe many days in the future when the wound still hurt.

5 years. 10 years. I don't know how long it will take, but I will eventually get used to it. Someday, it will heal.

To be honest, I'm quite disgusted with myself for sounding like a heroine in a cheap, 3rd rate drama XD. But I need to stable my mental strength so excuuuussssee me :P