-
I cut my hair, a short, undercut style, the same as when I was young.
I used to long for long hair so bad that I'd kick up a fuss whenever mom wanted to cut my hair.
Well, now she's gone, and I've willingly had this haircut myself.
This tiny nostalgia made me smile.
I've always thought that people who cut their hair because of a heartbreak was ridiculous. In the end, it was a meaningless action that helped nothing.
But now, I somehow feel at ease when I looked into the mirror.
The image reflected inside overlapped present and past. As though I haven't changed. As though I was still the same as before. As though I was still innocent like that 5 years old girl in my memory .
It gave me peace of mind, albeit the peacefulness that came from a false sense of reassurance.
-
Tôi đã từng tin sự gắn bó giữa chúng ta là kiên định, là chắc chắn, là vĩnh viễn. Rằng dù thế giới có đổi thay, dù chúng ta có cách xa, dù chúng ta có ra đời, lập gia đình mới, hay mai sau về già, chúng ta vẫn sẽ mãi một phần quan trọng trong cuộc sống của nhau.
12 đứa chúng ta
Tôi vẫn nghe, không có gì là vĩnh viễn.
Tôi vẫn nghe, mọi thứ, dù là gì, rồi cũng sẽ đổi thay.
Nhưng tôi từng tin rằng chúng ta là ngoại lệ, rằng sự kết nối giữa chúng ta mạnh mẽ hơn thế. Bởi vì, chúng ta sinh ra và lớn lên cùng nhau. Chúng ta là láng giềng, là bạn thân, là bạn thời thơ ấu, là anh em, họ hàng của nhau.
12 đứa chúng ta.
Tôi sinh ra và lớn lên với những khuôn mặt quen thuộc vây quanh. Dù xa cách một thời, các bạn vẫn nắm một phần quan trọng trong tim tôi. Khi sum họp, các bạn vẫn là mọi thứ với tôi.
Tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta từng là niềm tự hào của tôi, từng là thứ tôi đặt tất cả tin cậy, từng là tất cả với tôi.
Tôi sẽ không cần một ai, hay bất cứ điều gì hơn nữa, vì "chúng ta" là thế giới của tôi.
Tôi đã quá ngu muội, và bây giờ, tôi không thể cầm được nước mắt, bởi vì thứ tôi từng tin rằng là kiên định, là vĩnh viễn, thật ra rất mong manh và ngắn ngủi.
Tôi mất đi chỗ dựa trong cuộc sống của mình. Thật nhanh. Thật bất ngờ. Là do tôi quá tin, hay tôi quá mù lòa để nhìn thấy sự thật?
Nó bắt đầu từ bao giờ? Sự rạn nứt giữa chúng ta. Từ khi nào chúng ta không còn quan trọng với nhau? Từ khi nào chúng ta bắt đầu chán ghét, coi thường nhau? Từ khi nào tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta trở nên rẻ rúng hơn đồng tiền?
Ngay từ đầu, hay thời gian phai mờ nó đi? Tôi đã quá yêu các bạn để có thể nhìn thấy điều đó.
It hurt to breathe.
I felt like my eyes were opened.
I used to believe in people's kindness. I used to take people's words at their face values.
Although I know there were almost always a hidden meaning in people's words, but I'd be more than happy to play ignorance than let it bothered me.
And so, I've always focus on people's good intentions, why trying to dig for the hidden meanings in people's words and actions when that might not be what they "really" meant?
Yes, I know I was naive, but I'd rather think good about people than a bad impression that might occur from my overthinking thoughts.
I was wrong.
Because in the end, that only meant I trust people too easily. And trying to see them in good light meant I didn't see them for who they really were.
I was fine with that.
I was okay with being cheated out of something.
I was okay being used once or twice.
After all, what I lost would only be something physical. Nothing that can't be replaced. In return, I would be able to see their nature.
But no more.
In the end, no matter how righteous I tried to justify myself, the only thing it came down to is that I was just too "lazy" to doubt people.
When my world collapsed and my faith was lost, I could see how wrong I was for trusting people too easily and not try to see what's underneath, because it's the cause that made me placed my faith in the wrong thing.
You guys - my world, was broken to pieces. And I know it will never be the same, whether it's me, or you. My blind faith in our bonds can never come back, now that I've seen how fragile it actually is.
The pillar that had support me in life until now was grounded into dust.
So, I will forget it.
My world was broken.
So, I will build myself a new one, one that won't have you as an important element.
I didn't think I was such a crybaby.
I didn't think I've ever cried so miserably before in my life.
But now that it's all done and over with, it was nothing special.
Our bonds, our years spent together, it's all in the past.
The memories will always be there and be beautiful, but I will face my reality, and it is one that the beauty of our relationship was no longer there.
We're no longer the children we once were.
I've known that, but the true reality of it sank in quite slow and painful. This loss pierced my heart, and a left a big hole inside.
So, I will cry, today and maybe many days in the future when the wound still hurt.
5 years. 10 years. I don't know how long it will take, but I will eventually get used to it. Someday, it will heal.
To be honest, I'm quite disgusted with myself for sounding like a heroine in a cheap, 3rd rate drama XD. But I need to stable my mental strength so excuuuussssee me :P
-
just stupid ramblings that sounded like boasting, hah.
-
Remind me what this pain is,
Carve it deep into my heart,
So that I will never forget,
So that even if I try to, I can't.
Etched each and every scar on my skin,
So that it will bleed crimson,
So that it will make me sing words of pain.
Don't let it fade away,
Let it build up to be my grave.
Even in my happiest moments,
I still want to run away,
Still wanting to disappear.
Why?
Because that's the feeling I'm most familiar with.
Without it, I feel unease and insecure,
Like a little child wandered too far from home.
I longed for the familiarity and the comfort it brought.
No matter how far I ventured,
How many places I've been to,
How bright and beautiful they were,
In the end, I can only feel at ease in my dark, dark corner,
Where I can feel nothing but pain and sadness.
-
My taste in things haven't changed much compared to the past. What I liked in the past, I still like it now. What I hated in the past, I still hate them now. I wonder if that means I haven't changed much since then, still naïve, still stupid, still an airhead... really haven't grown up at all. So many things have happened over the years, it's actually more unbelievable to think I haven't changed. I myself don't even know what I wished for, to have changed or not. I hate myself when I remained naïve and got pushed around. But I also hate myself who got shaped by environment and was forced to adapt to it. Thinking about future, to not change is a dumb move, and yet, I can't help feeling relieved when I found the parts of myself which haven't changed. Really....what a headache.
-
-
-
Returned to US after 3 months in Vietnam, finally felt like my heart was at ease. The smell of a familiar room, the softness of the bed, the warm of the light blanket, I realized I've missed them so, so much. Strangely, I didn't miss the people, not one bit, none, whatsoever. But it should be normal, considered the reason I went away for so long was to get away from them. The chaos half a year ago seemed so distance now, even though the aftermath still remained. The scars are still here, in me and in them, though I'm unsure of how much they actually care, maybe it's just my wishful thinking that they were wounded over it like me.
I just...couldn't care less now.
Trust was ruthlessly crushed, grinded into dust and scattered unto god knows where.
I don't think...I will ever cry so miserably again. It's not anything to brag about, but I know I'm an extremely sore loser, stubborn and willful. That's why, I disdain shedding tears in front of others. But...I've never cried more miserably in my life like then, and in public place, no less.
The pain, the tears back then, as well as the heartless gazes they gave me, even if I didn't want to, I was made to realize just how small my place was in their heart.
It's vexing. Really vexing.
I was in pain, and now that pain has turned into resentment, even though I know better than anyone to not let it become like that.
What do I resent them for anyway?
For not putting me on a pedestal like I did them?
For not placing our ties above all else, like an idiot I was?
Hahaha, so ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.
How filthy.
At this rate, my heart would dye black because of this. I would become an even bigger joke, because of this? No way. I refuse.
What had rot, was already too rotten to be saved. I just realized it too late.
I thought what I held onto was precious, but in reality, what had coiled around me were rotten and stinky ties. If so, then there's nothing else to do but to cut it off and cleanse myself of the filth.
-
I read, in order to resonate with others.
I write, in order to hold myself together.
-----
I isolated myself, believing only in the loneliness which would follow me for the rest of my life.
Even though it was a lie....
I still reached out, even as I pushed them away.
Isn't it funny? In order to push someone away, you need to extend your hand out first.
What was the true intention behind that hand that reached out?
I don't know.
I don't intend to let be known.
The truth was buried under piles and piles of lies.
The front. The mask. The façade.
After all the shows I staged to make myself seemed strong and fine, none of them changed who I really was.
At the core, I haven't changed.
10 years ago and now, that part of me hasn't changed.
Still so weak, so hatefully weak.
-
Tìm thấy lá thư mình viết cho mẹ ngày mẹ mất.
Mới 5 năm năm trôi qua thôi, mà nếu không nhìn thấy lại nó thì chắc chẳng còn nhớ gì.
Nói nghe như đùa, nhưng thật sự mình chẳng có một chút kí ức nào vào ngày hôm đó, những ngày sau đó, hay trong suốt tháng 6 năm đó.
Nghĩ cũng lạ,
1 tháng ăn ngủ vật vờ ở phòng khách trong khu điều trị đặc biệt, hàng chục cuộc họp mặt với bác sĩ, đối thoại với nhân viên xã hội, bảo hiểm, chứng migraine của mình bắt đầu từ ngày đó, thế mà giờ chẳng có một tí ấn tượng nào lưu giữ.
Sao thế nhỉ?
Lá thư này....viết vội trên một mặt của tờ giấy nháp 15x20, nhân viên xã hội đưa cho để ghi hướng dẫn vài ngày trước.
Ngắn gọn, nhạt nhẽo, không một lời miêu tả những gì xảy ra khi đó.
Thế mà, phần kí ức mờ ảo ngày hôm đó trong tâm trí mình bỗng nhiên hiện lên thật rõ ràng.
5 giờ 24 phủt chiều ngày 5 tháng 7,
That's how it started.
The rest? it's too long-winded to say, and too taxing on the mind to recall.
In short, one life was over at that moment.
...................................the body was still a little warm by the time I got there along with 2 brothers and dad.
The emotion back then was.... void.
Emptiness.
Nothing.
I didn't even cry.
And then other people come and, well, did whatever mourners should.
I went to the lobby and wrote this letter.
Haaaa....suddenly feel tired, maybe another day....
