Lurid Sky

[...Meme...]

[


"I passed the fork road, and still the road I was supposed to walk on is nowhere to be found."




-----------------------------------






I said it once, and I'll say over and over again.

This world is round. Life is a loop.
In a circle they run, overlapped as they do.
That's why, contradictions will always be born.




http://williamjameswarren.com/wp-content/gallery/transportation/22-8280CW-NIKON-8X-WIGGLY-RD-1.jpg



Contrast reflects contrast.
Colors suppress colors.
Like a web, tangled all together.
One day it might be black, and the next would be white.
No constant. No certainty. It changes everyday.
What is "it"?
Who knows. It's different for everyone.
To me, it resembles a lurid sky.



.


What people call irony, is probably just a funny way to call a bad taste contradiction. For example, people always say "don't give up. Keep moving forward." But, to give up is to move on, isn't it?

In order to move on, you need to give up your weakness. In order to move on, you need to give up on a part of yourself. In other words, it's the so-called "sacrifice." To gain something, you need to give up on something else. Moving forward isn't just a simple act of walking ahead, is it? Surely. So, encouraging someone to give up is half making sense and half not to me. Rather than telling me "not to give up," I'd rather them to just come up and say "get rid of your weakness."

I hate pain. It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to hear the truth, but I prefer them over lies, fake courtesy, and dishonesty. They are also hard to be found nowadays, especially with all the deceptions going around.

But, it's naive to rely people's honestly, so I tried to learn, learn about people. "Learn from your experience." Wasn't there such a saying somewhere? I think it's rather true, except for when it comes to humans. Hundreds and thousands, I hurt people, and I got hurt by people. Despite that, I still can't say I learned anything at all, or rather, the thing I learned wasn't what I wanted to learn. From all those encounters, the only thing that true is - people's natures aren't to be relied on. In other words, people are to be fear. However, somewhere inside, I rejected that kind of thinking and so, got stuck in between.

People always want to know something, more or less in different degrees. But, I wonder how many are prepared to learn something they don't want to know, along with the things they want to.

Today, I thought about her.

Normally, I don't allow myself to hung up on something for long. Why? Because I'm lazy, and it's tiring to do so. And yet, since that day, that question has been on my mind. Why, or rather, How did she die?

Whenever someone asked me "Why did she die?" I was struck speechless, every single time. To this day, I still don't know, although I remember it clearly, every words the staff said. And yet, I didn't understand them, not one word. I hated myself for it, my uselessness, my ignorance. Maybe it was on a whim, maybe it was subconscious, what I chose to do resulting in me learning more about the answer. The more I learned, the more I just wanted to yell out "Shut Up! Please just shut up!" But I can't avert my eyes.

What do I intend to do once I learn the whole truth? I ask myself, and the answer is - Nothing.

For the most part, it wasn't such a big deal to anyone else. They either went with "Oh, okay," or "It's not that. It's someone's fault," and blame it a person of their choices. As for me, I don't even know why I started to learn about it in the first place. Probably just my ego. Or a wishful thinking, hoping that I will be able to get rid of this bitter feeling someday by doing so.

Such naivety. I laughed at myself. It seems that time only added number onto my age, because I don't seem to get wiser. If there's anything changed, it's probably my point of view about the world. 10, 13, 17, 19, 21, 23, 25. Through all the ages, something about me remains unchanged, and something keeps changing. I guess the most recent realization is - I learned things as I live, but the things I haven't learned are as many as stars, so don't get cocky and look down on people. No matter how much I think I've learned, I'm still a naive child, pretending to be an adult from time to time.

A lost child, maybe.


------




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_VtaD9Wchk

Somehow this song suit my mood :sr:

[...Meme...]

Disgusting and Disgusted. That's about to sum up my feeling right now.

.

I was never meant to be a good person, and I'm fine with that. However, for the sake of my own ego, I have a fixed set of principles that I won't allow myself to trespass and violate.

Today I did.

Thinking that another human being is "disgusting," was one of the thing I forbid myself to do. Even if it's just thinking, when you think that someone is "disgusting," don't you feel disgusted with yourself?

I do.

It was the first time I pushed someone expression of gratitude away so vehemently. The feeling of where she touched, even through the clothes, was like thousand of fleas crawling on my skin. All the way home, that feeling kept etching deeper and deeper, as if those thousands fleas were sucking my blood. There's no other way to put it - It was disgusting. I feel disgusted with myself for even feeling so, but I can't deny it.

Money was never an issue. I could tell clearly she was a drug addict. Homeless and a beggar, it wasn't the first time she begged for money from me. She didn't remember me, but I remember her. The excuses she made, the fake sad expression on her face didn't touch me at all. The only sincere word in that bunch of nonsense was "Please." But "please" isn't a magic word, at best, it's just a tool to achieve one's desire by appealing to others' sympathy. Whether that desire is a good or bad thing is whole different story. To me, that "desire" of her isn't something I want to make recognized. That's why I didn't want to give her any money. Yet, I did. It wasn't out of kindness of any kind. She was being annoying, so it was just to get rid of her, just an act of cowardice. My competence in dealing with people is close to zero. I hate myself for it. And I hate her for made me felt like that. What can I say. Once a coward, always a coward. In the end, I'm no different from the people I despised.

It was so early in the morning too, haaaa.....My first encounter of the day left such a bad after taste. Today mood really fit the sky it brought, so gray and gloomy. But, I don't hate it.

[...Meme...]

Wow, wow, wow. Can't believe the music topic I created still at the front page even though the last entry was like, what, 5 years ago :so_funny:? Seems like no one is there anymore. All the old songs I posted before through Nhaccuatui are useless now, kinda make me want to delete them all and start anew, but I'm kinda in a good mood so...oh well *shrug*. I'll just use this topic for everything from now on.

3 hours left until hw is due and this is what I'm doing, serve me right to wait until the last minute to cram them all in :wawa:. But honestly, never once did I believe I wouldn't be able to turn them in on time. Let's face it, if it's just for the sake of good grade, to deal with teacher's hw, and not actual learning, it's an easy task. 10 hours of serious study can turn into 3, just like that.

---------------



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5s3clbXNjM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddkcRIippE

[...Meme...]

This story was written quite some time ago, it was such a mess back then. It's a still a mess now, but not as messy as before I guess?

-------------------


The Puppeteer




-----------


A Puppeteer traveled across the world, bringing along his worn-out suitcase as sole companion. Wherever he went, his shows were welcomed and attracted attentions. His stories enchanted people, but it was his incredibly exquisite and beautifully made puppets that enticed them to him. He traveled from town to town, never settled down anywhere, and never came back to any towns he had left. It was on that journey that one day, the Puppeteer set foot in a run-down, desolated village.

…

“Mr. Puppeteer, will you tell us a story today?” said a poor village boy in tattered clothes, other children started to gather and begged also.

“Alright,” said the Puppeteer as he opened his suitcase. “The story today is about a princess who was said to be the most beautiful in a far, far away kingdom.…“

The Puppeteer began to speak. The story had started.

“The Princess committed an unforgivable sin: she fell in love with a servant. When the King found out, he was enraged.He imprisoned the princess and intended to execute the Servant, but he had managed to escape. Before making his run, the poor lover told the princess to wait because he would definitely come back for her."

The two puppets resembled a princess and a servant embraced each other and then parted ways.

"Without any other words exchanged,time went from days, to weeks, to months. Then, the Princess was engaged to the neighbor prince against her will. But just when the wedding was drawing near,and Princess’s tears were running out, her beloved returned and took her away.They ran, through mountains and forests, to a place where no one could separate them. There they made another vow and lived happily ever after.”

The show ended with the Princess and the Servant holding one another. Applause and cheers roared up and prolonged for a while before the crowd began to disperse. The sun was setting in the far horizon, and the poor boy knew it was time for him to go back.

Dragging his feet home, he was greeted by the smell of cheap alcohol and a slap that knocked him down onto the ground. The noises from shouts, cries, and screams rang through the air, however, on the street, there was only silence still. The small village was quiet without any humans’ movements or sounds. No one was surprised by the noises as the villagers had gotten used to it and turned their eyes away. When the big man who he calls father got tired from beating him, the young boy’s body was covered in blood and bruises. In the corner of the house, his sick mother was crawling on the ground, still sobbing and begging her husband to stop. It was a familiar scene, a routine activity he had gotten too used to.

“It can’t be helped,” he thought to himself as a way to ease his pain, to make himself stay sane. Even so, he knew it was nothing but a wicked lie, a poisoned needle that stabbed into his heart and gradually drove him insane. He wanted to end it all, the daily routine, his useless self, along with all the pains and sufferings. He wanted to be free.

After helping his mother into bed,he ran out the back alley and cried out, “Miracle doesn’t exist!!! IT DOES NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!”

He screamed to the sky, wishing it would carry the echo of the inevitable truth in his words away. He screamed,and screamed in agony, until his throat reached its limit and no sound louder than a whisper could come out. He didn’t care/ He continued to scream.He could scream all night, until he coughed up blood, until his throat exploded for all he cared, he would still scream.

“Poor boy….do you think it’s unfair?” said the Puppeteer who just appeared out of the shadow.

The Boy didn’t answer, only sorrow and hatred were conveyed in his eyes. The Puppeteer watched him in silent, then pulled out two puppets from his suitcase: the Princess and the Servant.

“Shall I tell you another story?”

“Why?”

The question went unanswered as the puppets started moving, and the story was recited.

“In a far, far away land, there lived a puppet princess whose whole existence was bind by strings called ‘duty,’ ‘righteousness,’ and ‘loyalty.’ The string called ‘loyalty’ was controlled by her delusion and pride. The string called ‘righteousness’ was controlled by her naivety and ignorance. And finally, the string called ‘duty’ was controlled by the King, the Queen, and her people.

Without knowing anything, she lived a blissful life, believing she was free. Then, something unexpected occurred: she fell in love with a servant. This so-called love severed the ‘loyalty’ string and replaced it with ‘dream,’ a string made from desires and wishes. And while being controlled by the 'dream' string, she believed that was happiness.

Little did the Princess know, the Servant was also controlled by strings called ‘hypocrisy’ and ‘hatred’. These strings that made him play the role of being her nemesis. But the King found out about his role and locked up the Princess. The Servant had to flee for his life, but he swore he would comeback.

The King wanted to married the Princess to another country for her safety, but on the wedding day, the former servant managed to kidnap her. The Princess cried when she saw him, but contrary to the naive Princess's tears of joy, his joy of reuniting with her was not based on love. He brought her into the deep forest. There, he cut off her legs’ tendons to prevent her from running away. Then, as the once beloved person, he revealed the whole truth to the Princess, his fake love for her, his hatred for her and her country, as his knife slowly thrust into her heart. When the Princess finally heaved her last breathe, the Servant left her corpse to wild animal and went back to his hideout.

However, it was said that “humans don’t know by what strings they are being controlled.” In the Servant’s case,it was the string named ‘feelings.’ After spending many sleepless nights haunted by the princess’s images in his dreams, he went back to the same forest where her corpse was left. From then on, no one ever saw him again. It might have been guilt, it might have been love, but no doubt, it was the unknown string made him dance in its hand and made him vanished.”

The show ended with two puppets being stabbed by knives and fell onto the ground. The air around them seemed to be distorted and wrapped in darkness. In their beautiful crystal eyes, only abysses where no hopes and wishes existed was reflected. The whole time, the Boy watched the puppets fell with clouded eyes, and finally, he smiled.

“Am I…like those puppets?”

The Puppeteer didn’t reply, but in his eyes, there was a spark of a hidden laughter.

“I wonder….if I will ever find my freedom…”

“I don’t know – the Puppeteer stepped one step closer to the Boy and crouched down to look at him – In my dictionary, there’s no such word as ‘freedom.’ Nothing comes for free, and no one is truly free. You will always be bound something. No matter how hard you struggle, in the end, you have no choice but to accept that something and see as happiness. A lie, yes, but at least it's a lie of your choice."

"Then why?" - The Boy slammed his fist on the ground - "Why am I in so much pain?" - He spoke in tear choked voice.

"What a spoiled child," - The Puppeteers gently patted his head - "That's what happened when you refused to accept your lie. You only need to bear with it for a few years until that man died and then you can have the kind of happiness you yearn for you know. Why torment yourself like this?"

"I hate it. This life. Him. My weak mother. This village. This world. Myself. Everything. I hate them all" - His voice, more than being darken with hatred, was filled with tears - "No matter how hard I tried to tell myself to stop, I couldn't. No matter how much I smiled at others, in my heart, it was the opposite, I hated them, so much that I just wanted to rip them apart. And the worst part is, I love this feeling. I love hating everything. I don't know why I love it, but I know I will never be able to forget it. I want to be free from it, but I know I never will. I hate it, but I love it. I'm scared. Will I disappear just like this? Please tell me, can someone save me? I want to be free."

"Child, no one is truly free" - The Puppeteer said coldly - "But, you already know, don't know? And how to make that feeling in you disappear, don't you already know?"

The Boy, who had hid his face in the dark, for the first time lifted his head and looked at the Puppeteer's eyes.

"Then, what the hell are you here for? Why did you tell me that story? Why did you come?"

"To relieve you from your loneliness," - the look in the Puppeteer's eyes were kind, so kind and compassionate that it drown out the coldness in his voice - "A part of you, your life and your story, I will take them with me. I won't let you disappear and be forgotten. Just like how I told the story about the Princess and the Servant to you today, one day, in a far away land, I will tell your story. People will gather and listen. As long as I live, I will never let your story be forgotten."

For a long time, the Boy remained silent, he looked lost and confused. But then, as if everything was sorted out, his eyes, which was clouded by darkness until then, suddenly glistened with a glimpse of hope.

“Then one day, you will you tell my story?”

“I probably will. But every story needs an ending, you know” - the Puppeteer replied with an indiscernible smile.


---------------


That night, in the desolated and gray village, there were screams of terror, wailing of despair, and sound of fires sparks soar through the sky; they penetrated the thick reddish clouds and touched the dark moon above. That forgotten land was lit up, while everything amidst it was burning down. The Boy watched it all, and couldn’t help but laughed out loud. There was so much despair, that he couldn't do anything but laugh. The laughing kept echoing as he stood alone, surrounded by red color. In his hands, the knife dripping blood slowly slipped away. The small village was engulfed in flame; it had never gotten this bright and lively, and yet, there were still no humans’ movements and sounds.

"Where did all the villagers go, I wonder?" - The Boy thought to himself as he gazed at the dark, dark sky.

Ahhhh, that's right. They're busy being a part of this crimson festival.


-----------------

The Puppeteer quietly left the pitiful village. Holding in his hand is the worn-out suitcase that contained a new puppet. A puppet that shaped like a young boy in tattered clothes and possessed a pair of sorrowful eyes. Like all other puppets, it was lovely and beautiful, a bewitched beauty. And someday, somewhere, his story might be told.

As the Puppeteer thought about his new puppet, he looked back at the village now consumed by red flame, and let out a tiny chuckle as he muttered quietly.

“We’re like puppets with no soul;tighten by strings in many directions, dancing in a show called ‘Life’ with no expressions.

We dance, but it’s not us who lift our hands.

We act, but it’s not us who pick our parts.

We are bound and controlled, so we seek for freedom.

Although freedom is just another set of strings, we just can’t stop yearning for it.

How marvelous. How pitiful. What an enigma existence we are.”


-------------

End.

[...Meme...]

Woke up at 6am, my eyes refused to comply to my wish, must be the result of staying up until 2 hours ago.

It was colder than usual today, I think I know why. Since last year, I haven’t been using the heater much, the heat makes my throat and nose dry. On the other hand, it’s simply bliss to wear a warm pajama and wrap yourself up in a blanket. The coziness is incomparable, like a little bear cave during hibernation, hence that’s what I’ve been doing.

However, the lack of heater wasn’t why it was colder than usual. The air was chilling. The window was foggy. Outside, countless white spots were falling. That’s right. It was snowing!

Then again, the cold air wasn’t why I know it was snowing. I saw it on the weather forecast yesterday night.

10 minutes to drag myself up. 10 minutes to brush and groom myself. 10 minutes to wander around the room like a ghost and picking clothes. Another 10 minutes to do whatever I was doing but doesn’t remember what. Ah, right, it was to battle with the printer.

“I hate going to work early in the morning,” the first thing popped into my head as soon as I stepped out of the house, pretty sure I was not the first one saying that. It was pitch black! Dark and snow. Not the ideal conditions I had in mind for driving.

"Guess I didn't wake up in a world of white,” a small part of me was disappointed. However, the majority was overjoyed. The snow just started to fall not too long ago, so I didn’t have the defroze the car. But then again, it was a little sprinkling this morning, so the snow probably wouldn't be able to pile up. I guess, in a sense, I was lucky to be able to see them at their best. If I didn’t have to go to work, I would have probably be happy about it.

The radio played a country song, full of sunshine, so contradicted to the snowy song I had been playing in my mind. To wish for something that's not here, is it a natural thing to do? I thought and bursted out laughing.






https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIeC-wgtylA



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_-v_51d5No



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Whenever this season comes, there is a feeling of calmness in the air. At least, that's what I think. Whether that's a good or bad thing, I can't really say. Calm means there's no high energy. If high became calm, then those with low energy might have been taken down a knot further. Maybe that's why the rate of suicide during winter is always higher than others. But no matter, facts are facts, it doesn't affect how I feel. It took me 6 years to realize it. I love it. This season. This town.

Everything I've dreamed about when I was a child was here, in this small town. I've forgotten all about it, the dream town, the dream house I wished for when I was a child. At first, I was filled with confusion, like "Huh? What was I doing? Why did I forget it? What was I striving for that I was so blinded?" It's a mystery, really. I was so sure of what I was doing. I was sure that was what I wished for. The thing I was striving for, it wasn't wrong, it's what everyone does, but turned out, it just wasn't what I wanted. What I really wanted was a much, much simpler thing, something that had been in front of me all this time.

I was happy to realize it, but at the same time, it was sad thing to realize. Sometimes, the seemingly simple things are the hardest things to obtain. I guess it's the same for everyone, to get what you want, you need to do what you don't really want. It's not like I'm losing out anything on this anyway, so it's not bad deal.

Up until now, I've never had a feeling like "love" to a town, a house, or anything of the like. Because separation is sad, I don't want any attachments. More than that, I want to remain impartial to things as best as I can. I'm not sure if that's what I 'want,' or simply just a part of me. But for as long as I could remember, I can't say I have loved a town, a city, or even country.

Whenever someone said they hated something of this town, or some other things of that city, my brain could understand their reasons, but my mind couldn't comprehend. I mean...seriously, why waste your time hating something like that? It's a waste of emotions. Well, precisely because I didn't carry any spare emotions for that sort of things, therefore, wherever someone dragged me to live in, I was fine. Thoughts such as "I want to live here," "I will never leave this place," have never crossed my mind, until the recent realization of course. Still, no matter how much of a dream town this town is for me, I know the deciding factor doesn't lie within it. Then what, huh....? It's a secret. Too embarrassing to say out loud.

This fairly cool atmosphere is making me sleepy. Seriously, this snow, this town, this shabby house, this wild garden, this water filled road, these fallen leaves, these barren trees. I really feel like I love them all.



——-

[...Meme...]

Sometimes, it feels like the world is a place where people just wait for you to screw up once to screw you all over.

Sometimes, for personal gain. Sometimes, for no particular reason at all.

It's not like that. I know it's not like that. That's why it just "feels" like so, sometimes.

---

If sorry will cut it, then I'll say it, but you must pardon me for not wanting to go along with your wishes.

Wasn't it established long ago? Selfish is a trait we all inherited.

I still look up to you, I just no longer wish to blindly follow your words.

If there's something I feel apologetic for, it would be my incapability of mincing words where it matters most.

---

Maybe I'm the type who only realize I love something when I lost it.

Even so, I'll only go "oh well," right after.

It was true then, and it still is now.

Because, stubbornness and indifferent are the only ways I know how to reduce and prevent the pain.

---

I always got a lot to say.

But, to convey them is troublesome and too long-winded.

So I leave my mind blank and say nonsensical things.

[...Meme...]

This day, begins like any other day, and would end like any other day.

Maybe people will find it boring, if the same thing keep repeating day after day.

Isn't there a phrase "if only boredom could kill" to describe the tiredness of being stuck with the same things everyday?

But for me, I pray, and pray that these boring days would begin in the same way, and end the same way like any other days.

People can only stay bored when they have too much peace in their hands. That's why, even if boredom could kill, I wouldn't want it to be replaced by something else.

Even so, as I made my wish, I knew it wouldn't come true.

Little by little, things changed. The seemingly unchanging days, were actually moving the world in the direction that cannot be foreseen.

One day, you may wake and find that the days you thought would never change, were no where to be found anymore.

That's why, even if it's a lie, even if it'll never come true, I wish that these unchanging days would remain lasting.

-------------

One of the weird thing, yet somehow makes sense.

For some reasons, whenever I wore earrings, I could never keep both of them on for long. Soon, one of them would go missing. No matter how hard I sought, it could never be found. Still, I kept the one that was left on. Time would pass, and that one would also be lost somewhere. Then, and only then, that the first that went missing would turn up again. And once again, only one earring was left on my ear.

I think it was a little funny. They were meant to be a pair, yet I can only ever wear one of them at a time. It kinda reminds me a bit of how I've always been :so_funny: . Just how much does loneliness love to be my company? I thought and laughed out loud.[/font][/size]

[...Meme...]

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, May happiness be yours this year too.

Haaaaa.....I'm really not in the mood to talk. Compared to the bored feeling I've felt the whole day though, this is definitely better. In the middle of celebrating atmosphere, I don't particularly want to join in the conversation, but I do love being the feeling of being with family on this day. I wonder if this is considered as selfish. Yeah, it probably is. After all, these moments won't come back or last forever.

[...Meme...]

Let's say....

For example, we were walking around the museum and suddenly you had somewhere you needed to be. As soon as the call was over, you hurried away, telling me to wait until you came back.

What would I do, I wonder?

Ah, I might think about calling you to ask what was going on. But, seeing you in such hurry, I would feel bad for stopping you even one second to pick up my call, so I would just drop it.

Would I go home then?

But I couldn't have known when would be the best time to call you, what if you were in the middle of something urgent or important? If you were to come back here and found out I went home long ago, wouldn't that be a waste of your time?

So well, being a yielding and over-thinker that I am, I would find a place to sit and wait for you like a faithful dog. A bench might have been placed somewhere near the entrance, if my memories served right. That would be an ideal spot.

The automatic door would occasionally open as people walked in and brought along with them the freezing wind of winter, but I wouldn't really mind. I could always entertain myself with something, materialized objects or imaginary plays, I wouldn't get bored too easily. That would be why, as long as there was be no other plan for the rest of the day, I would wait. If there was, I would text you and left.

Why didn't I just text you from the beginning and go home? I guess, to put it simply, was because you told me to wait.

That would be why, I would wait. Until finally, the closing time came, and I was politely asked to step outside.

Maybe I would wonder what took you so long and pondered whether or not I should give you a call.

In the end though, I would probably just text you one simple text, so that you wouldn't waste your time coming back to that place, and went home.

Then, the next day, so that there wouldn't be any awkward atmosphere, I would smile and greet you normally. You might give some reasons or excuses regarding the day before, or you could go with the flow and acted like nothing happened. Honestly, I wouldn't care either way. Because in the first place, I didn't really care about what you had to say, or not say. The only difference between this and that...would be the weight of the heavy feeling in my chest.

Sooner or later, the end for us would come. That would be what I think.

It wasn't out of resentment, malice, or sadness. It was just a destination of a pattern I knew all too well.

Let's say....

We tried to give each other a dream. Like we were actors on an improvised play stage. We tried, yes, we did. But a play cannot go on forever, therefore, before your stamina runs out and ruin the whole thing, wouldn't it be more appropriate to put an end to it, so the play can be completed?

Sounds wrong, you say? But many was saved because of it.

Ahhhh, but this is just an imaginary scenario, a script for a play, so to speak. Many things could go wrong. Many unexpected situation would come up. There are hundreds and thousand endings for a beginning. I want to write as many as I can think of. But unfortunately, I'm sleepy, my eyes are closing. Maybe another day.



-----

Childish...or adult... Using one word to describe something can be so cunning at times. The concept and definition existed in people's head are varied. It can be limited and simple, as well as it can be so complex that it makes you wonder if they can all be fit into one word.

---

There's a shell that I refused to break for as long as I could. But, shell being shell, inevitably, one day it will break open. At that time, I wonder the innards will come out as a whole, or just an incomplete embryo that destined to die.

[...Meme...]

https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15781034_10206243198238634_786188907202766115_n.jp g?oh=d85063a1cdf80884bcd7ee967e7e2391&oe=591A2F83

Leavenworth after one year still has that fairy-tale like atmosphere to it.

I like cold. I like snow. But my body pretty much can't handle it. Does it make this "like" feeling fake? I suppose. What do I like about snow? What do I like about cold? Do I like them for what they are? Or do I just like a specific part about them and hide myself from the rest? Honest to goodness, there's nothing to gain by finding answers to those questions, but they still appeared in my head anyway.

Well, being an obstinate person, I refuse to give up. There must be a compromise between my weak constitution and coldness. Because I really like cold, I want to live with it. I might die early, but that doesn't really matter.

Hmmm...on the side note, I just realize this recently but I think, the cold is more enjoyable when you're alone than with other people. Is that strange?

----------------

Ngôn ngữ, để có thể viết ra thì phải bắt đầu từ suy nghĩ....có lẽ vậy :so_funny:. Sáu năm trước, để rặn ra được một chữ tiếng anh là một cả cuộc khổ hình đau thương TT^TT. Nói một chữ thì hơi quá, một bài văn hay bài luận có lẽ chính xác hơn. Bây giờ thì ngược lại :|, mình phải nghĩ...nghĩ....nghĩ....để viết tiếng việt....Đọc lại những câu chuyện mình viết ngày xưa, cảm giác như....."Hả? Mình viết cái này á? Mình biết mấy cái từ đó á?"

Muốn viết. Cảm giác đó chưa hề thay đổi, nhưng mà......tiếng người thì chưa thông, tiếng mẹ đẻ thì quên béng. Haizzz. Nói là buồn thì sai. Nói là thất vọng thì cũng không đúng. Dở dở ương ương. Đầu ngựa mình dê, hờ......

[...Meme...]

Note on how to become stupidly stupid: It's really not appropriate to feel sad about the consequences you knew you had it coming. That's why, if there is ever a chance such feeling occurs, just kill it.

[...Meme...]

Current obsessed with this song. It's the first song in a while that I could listen for many days, more than 5 hours continuously each. It's really been awhile. I missed this feeling.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hft807EJ6o

[...Meme...]

How long has it been since I could call someone a "friend." I have gotten so used to treat people and being treated as a short-term acquaintance that I totally forgot what it was like to be able to call someone my "friend." People come. People go. That will never change. However, unlike with others, I feel some sort of bonds with them, and that feels weird, really weird. It's a foreign feeling to me. Thinking about it now, how long has it been since we knew each other? Almost 6 years? The time we spent with each other didn't surpass 1 year. We met, we talked, we hang out, we fell out of touch, quite a few times. Honestly, it was a normal and inevitable thing to me, like with everyone else, a short-term contact is most comfortable for both parties.

I guess the reason I'm feeling like this now was because I was able to open up to her somewhat about my feelings and the way I perceived our relationship. I was able to become honest with her, and him too, which is....so rare I don't even remember last time it happened. After all, being stupidly honest is just exposing your weakness to others and it would come back to bite you someday, or so I told myself. Anyhow, this period of being close probably won't last long, given mine and theirs personalities. Even so, I'm happy.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcXURC_nNhc

[...Meme...]

It's a sad thing...that knowing people warmth means I will experience the feeling of loneliness more deeply and painfully. Even so, I can't say I would wish it had never happened. Through all meeting and parting, fear and distrust grew bigger, but at the same time, there was another thing grew besides just negative, things that are harder to put into words but makes me smile with content. The fear of parting will never disappear, such sadness will never cease to exist, but I supposed I have learned how to treasure present enough to not running away.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeLu68qXzps

[...Meme...]

It's snowing so badly today, I couldn't work up the courage to try driving to work in this condition. Better be safe than sorry, though I know it caused inconvenience for others. There's something about a world of white that makes people feel peaceful inside. But though it's so beautiful, why is it so hard to live with it? Probably because a price is always a must with everything. This cold. cold winter that I said I've always loved and couldn't help but feeling like it was a lie. Will I be able to get rid of my cowardice self? So that I can honestly love everything about it.

---------


For people whose will has never been broken once, I kinda admire them. At the same time, I couldn't have but wanting to test that iron will of theirs. The ugly part of me always wants people to fall, there's no point pretending to be a good person anyhow since I was never one. Her way of life, I can't say I'm envying it. Selfish, willful, but full of life. How funny, isn't she what I've wanted to become? Yet I can't say I admire her for achieving it. I'm a half-baked. Stuck between wanting to be selfish and trying to please everyone. This feeling always causes me pain, for reasons I've known all too well. But now that I'm seeing her, I actually kind of glad I was a half-baked. Because I realized, I don't want to be like her. I'd rather stay this way, no matter how twisted it is.

==========


I hate being ignorant. But the day when I am no longer ignorant will probably never come. No matter how much I see, no matter how much I learn. It's never enough.

[...Meme...]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5fl451CWDY

Cruel, yet so kind.

There was a time when I wished, day after day, he would say those words, so my heart can be at ease. But, after all, why should he do anything for my sake?

[...Meme...]

Do I look pitiful to you? Because my life isn't revolving around romance. Because the day people get work up all over is something completely slipped my mind. As soon as the question is on the tip of my tongue, I sighed and kept it inside. There's no point in asking, since your feelings are yours alone. I'm not going to pretend to be fine and say it doesn't affect me in any way. But ultimately, I don't see the point of trying to convey my thoughts that would be twisted according to how people perceive it. Each person stands ground for their own opinion. I don't intend to change your opinion nor my own. So what good does asking such question do? In the end, doesn't it all come back to square one?

Which is more pitiful? Not being loved, or not being able to love?

A terrible question. One that I hope no one would have to asked themselves, either answer will only leave a bitter feeling in your heart.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCP_aOv1MRg

[...Meme...]

Why did you have to cry? I didn't mean to make you cry. All the faults were mine. Someday, I will have to pay the price what I did. And it is fine, with me. There was no one could give me forgiveness, because there is no one has the right to do so. That's why, my pain won't be eased. My guilt won't be erased. And that is fine, with me.

But, it is not fine with you. Your love makes you worry about me. And it's just plain painful. Love is harder to deal with than hatred. It hurts more than hate. What's more, only people who are truly loved can get hurt by it. I'm lucky, I know. But my soul can't be saved. At least not by telling stories and listening to sermon.

It's easier to give up. Just give up on me. It'd be easier for both of us. I've passed the point of wanting to be saved. I just want to be left alone now. It wasn't easy to get to this point. There were countless tears and lot of efforts spent to become what I am now. So honestly, it pains me to see you cry, but I'm still not moved. I guess, my resentment is bigger than I thought.

[...Meme...]

Empty, hollow, pitch black kind of feelings inside.

I wonder why, no matter how many times I told myself to move on, to move forward, no matter how much I've done and accomplished, I still felt myself standing still, stuck at that same place I have always been. What I thought a straight road, was in fact, a roundabout loop that repeats itself.

So today I am still here, at this starting line of contemplation.

[...Meme...]

Read the old diary I kept since 2012. It was like, what, only 5 years, and already, I cannot recognize that self of mine anymore. That just goes to show how unreliable my brain is. Ahhhh, the pain, the struggle. Nope. Don't recall a thing. Even those 12 years of torturous school life is now but a vague memory. At this point, I think others might have more accurate memories about me than me.

It's not like I've completely forgotten it. What I was back then contributed to what I become now (not that it was a good thing), so there's no way I could forget. But, unlikely before, in which whenever I recalled painful memories, I would feel a pang in my heart and tears swelling up in my eyes, I hardly feel anything when I think about them now. How sad I was during school from being bullied and alienated. How I think about dying and killing myself every morning when I was depressed. There were countless tears shed during those periods. But looking back at them now, I don't really feel anything. It's as if I was staring at a picture of a past event and be like "oh, so I was at that place once."

Pain. Sorrow. Sadness. Anguish. Despair. Feelings I thought would haunt me forever suddenly became just a "fact," a daily life occurrences that didn't leave much impression.

If this is because I was over it, then it couldn't have been better, but I think it was more like an unsympathetic reaction. Total impassioned to things. I've grown numb to pain, both others and my own. Sounds a little bad. But compared to before, which being all miserable and tried to play the part of tragedy heroine, this is definitely a lot better.

[...Meme...]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnmUgsoAdZc

[...Meme...]

Even when the mind turned blank and everything inside was reduced to nothingness, even when there was nothing but emptiness, this yearning in my heart still burns so fervently that it hurt. However, this scorching heat so intense it threatened to burnt away my very existence, was the last driven force that kept me going. For if this flame ever got extinguished, my life would turn meaningless, my body would crumble and gladly embraced its death.

It was unknown why despair overflowed my heart. It was meaningless to even think about it, so I stopped. When I became conscious of it, I had let everything go. Everything but this burning yearning in my chest. I didn't know what it was, couldn't determine the identity of this heat. The only answer it ever gave was an unbearable desire akin to a sea of magma swirling inside. It hurt. It was painful. But more than just pain, more than just suffering, there was a tingling sensation of euphoria. Like a narcotic drug, it brought me on high, and I was more than satisfied.

Yearnings bred more yearnings. Anguish bred more anguish. The end of a cruel endless loop was severity with one's humanity. When all paths led to dead ends, hopelessness gave birth to insanity. When pain stopped reaching the heart, despair became euphoria.

It was unknown when I started to let myself be drifted with the current. When I became aware of it, my whole existence was hung solely on that thread of burning desire. Nothing else mattered. I yearned for that feeling of despair. I yearned for that euphoric feeling. An addict. Many times, the remnant of my sanity accused me of the sins I have committed, telling me it would have been better if I was to die. I totally agreed, but I couldn't give up on this yearning. Even when it burnt everything inside me to ashes, turned my existence into a wretched thing that better off gone, I wanted to feel it a little longer, for as long as I could. Nothing else mattered.

So this was what it meant by being driven by one's instinct. What it meant by letting go of everything and lived solely for one purpose.

How wretched.

Once again, despair overflowed my heart, and once again, that euphoria filled me with pleasure. Once again, I couldn't help but smile, let everything go, and enjoy that feeling.

[...Meme...]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&noapp=1&v=l0qWjHP1GQc


To get rid of the passion for something, it's best to say them out loud I guess. It may not always be the case, it may be wrong. But since everything was generated from my assumption, why should I care about the otherwises?

For some reasons, I felt some kind of resonance with this song even though the content of lyrics has nothing to do with me. The first time I heard it, I didn't like that much either. How strange.

But well, this isn't the first time. It feels strange, puzzling, confusing, but not at all suprising. Sometime, it happened, I felt in crazily in love with a song. For no particular reasons, the melody seized my heart to the point of breathless. A really puzzling feeling. I had no way to describe it, so I can only say that it was love because of the similarities.

It's dumb. To feel for no reason. But the heavy pressure of that feeling weighs on my heart was real, so much that I couldn't help screaming out loud meaningless words just in order to breathe.

With these dumb things, it's best to keep them in and lock them away. Too shameful to let them be known. Too stupid to let them be shown. But they kept overflowing, and I couldn't keep them contained. This was my last resort. A small prayer, pray that I would be forgiven with just this much. Not being able to endure these small things, just how weak I have become. I know that. I really do.

These days, I kept thinking of a way to shut my mouth in public. Somehow I have gotten too carried with my clowny facade. My frustration from bottling up kept spilling out and I found myself often speak in unpleasant and stupid way. Even when I was fully aware of it at that very moment, I was unable to stop myself.

Honestly though, I know it was my fault to begin with. I have isolated myself too much, to the point I have forgotten how to socialize. Just how stupid is that?! Well, I'm reflecting on it now. Even though it was a real pain, I should have kept my little circle of socialization. At least I wouldn't have this built up frustration from staying shut up for too long. Lol. But even as I think about it now...yeah, it was a real pain. I regretted a little, but relieved even more. Hmmm, I really am not fit to live in this society. And with this loser-kind of mindset, I will never amount to anything in the future either. The future looks extremely bleak, .

Time is ticking. Has always been, and always will be. The thought of tomorrow really gives a bitter taste on the tongue. How nonsensical is that? But after all, I myself is a ridiculous person. A child who stubbornly refused helps from others and insisted on standing alone but actually wanted to be led my the hand and be spoilt with the easy way.

Truly, even as I keep pushing myself down to the bottom. The fact that I am a useless maggot in this world doesn't change. And I came to realize, I just wanted to comfort myself by abusing it before others did. By putting myself down, I feel assured. That there was no need for me to agonize over others' disdain eyes. That there was no need to feel anguish because of others' disappointed looks. Since I have already done so long ago. It's because I'm a coward that I can't confront people and their emotions dedicated towards me. If I just gloss over it, there's nothing they can do but give up on me. And in the occasion they stubbornly tried to confront me, I would bring it all down to hell. I have no qualm in incurring hatred in others, it would happen even if I didn't do anything anyway. But it mainly because I don't know other ways to go about it. That's why in younger years, around me was littered with people who liked to make my life difficult. I got to admit, I was extremely lucky that there wasn't any big incident happened until now, given how reckless this trait of mine is. I'm more prudent now, so it became more peaceful, but the fact that there wasn't anyone to make my life difficult could also be attributed to the fact that there wasn't anyone around me. It brought me peace of mind, but also proved to be a problem. Being too detached from the norm made me become more twisted without me realizing it. I think this is my biggest problem among many, many other concerns. It would be best if I begin to blend in with my circle, it's not a difficult task, but it's a real pain. A REAL PAIN!

[...Meme...]

Stubborn. Rigid. Inflexible. Apathy.

I guess that summed it up. My whole person can be only described as boring. I know it, and I don't want to change it, and that's why it's a no wonder single life suit me best =)).

Well, as time passed by, that idea isn't so funny anymore. Every time the number on the calendar changed, I was forced to realize the fact that time didn't wait for anyone.

My stubbornness refuses changes. I don't intend to change. But if so, then in what direction do I want to go with this unchanged me? I've asked myself this, countless time, come up with countless useless answer, and in the end, I still returned to this starting point.

Every time a new person barged into my life, I was overwhelmed. The fact that, my time, which has solely belonged to me before, was demanded to share with someone else...annoyed the hell out of me. The fact that my world, which I carefully arranged, carefully nurtured to be my rest place, was forced to alter to accommodate someone else...suffocated me.

I know, in exchange for that, I got a partner, who would share their time and world with me. It's a good thing. I had also enjoyed my share in that partnership.

However, I wonder why, it was something I could never get used to. No matter how well we got along, the part of me that yearned to be alone never ceased to exist. That's why, every time we fell through, the first feeling that came wasn't lost, anger, nor sadness, but relief. The feeling that, my world had finally become quiet again.

It's bad...it's really bad...

That said, it didn't mean I didn't get the feeling of lost or regret afterward. I did, sometimes when I looked back of what we had. But what was broken would never return to how it once was, so I know, those feelings were meant for something only existed in the past.

I've moved on, but it didn't mean I've forgotten. If anything, I didn't want to forget. However, the flow of time was ever a cruel one, at some point in life, when I tried to recall that person and our memories, they had become blurred and vague, like a white mist in my mind. Eventually, all that was left was an ambiguous feeling of "someone like that once existed," and the glaringly clear scars left imprinted in the heart and mind.

"One life, one meeting."

Every time I let go of someone, I was reminded of that phrase. It would be a lie if I say it didn't hurt. It would be a lie if I say I didn't have any expectation. Did I want that person to stay? Yes. But I didn't make any effort to keep them. Did I want to? No. I didn't really mind if they wanted to go either. That state of apathy threw even me into confusion sometimes.

In the end though, I was always more used to being alone.

[...Meme...]

It's been awhile. Somehow, I lost motivation for everything, including writing. Feeling is a quite luxury thing to take notice of, because it always naturally passed by each day.

Sometimes, when I wanted to find myself of 2-3 years ago, I listened the songs I've listened back then. After all, no matter how much time has passed, I still like what I've liked back then. They always bring back memories and feelings, which is what I am so desperately in need of every now and then.

I prefer living for the present, but every so often, I want to run away from it.

Sometimes, when sadness came to visit me at night, I was overwhelmed with how much I loved that moment. Even now, when I have that person, my heart felt warm, but it also felt cold at times like this.

[...Meme...]

The number one reason I kicked a guy out of my life: playing mind games.

It sure is interesting to play mind games with someone, but I refuse to be a part of that twisted play.

If you want to stay silent, stay silent forever.

If you want to ignore me, let's stop any kind of contacts altogether.

If you want to test me, at least wise up your ass enough to do it.

I dislike people who broke their words and failed to keep their promises. I would ask how you were, but make no mistake, that would be the last time, because without a valid reason, you and I would never be friends again.

[...Meme...]

My heart breaks. Broke. Break. Broke. And break some more.

All that's left after dream is a broken reality.

Passage of time took that which kept me together away.

Falling apart. Disintegrated.

The world seems unfamiliar.

This me seems unbearable.

Fear. It was just fear.

Unable to face the hardship ahead.

Too sick of running.

Can't be a proper human being.

What's the reason for living?

[...Meme...]

Carved deep, deep inside my heart, was an inaudible scream.

How many years do I plan to go on like this?

I've escaped this circle, only to come back to it shortly.

I thought I had moved.

But when I stopped to look back, I haven't walked one step from where I was standing.

I don't want this.

I hate this.

This feeling of hatred that I couldn't afford to point at others, came back and pierced myself.

I just want to live normally.

I just want to be ''functional."

I just want, at the very least, not a burden to others.

Why is it so hard?

What do I want? What do myself want?

Why is it refusing to move? Why is it refusing to live? Why? Just why?

I don't understand. I really don't understand.

Everything is slipping away from my grasp. Everything. Even myself.

[...Meme...]

Why?

WHY??

I trusted you.

I TRUSTED YOU.

After all these years, after all this time, that was how little you thought of me. That was how fragile our bond was.

Why?? Why????

I had thought even if the world turn its back on me, you wouldn't. But you did.

I had thought you understood me better than that. There wasn't anyone else I confined in more.

27 years. We've spent all our lives together. And now I have face the fact that what we've had was just an imagination I cooked up. It was all an illusion. I diluded myself. It was all a one-sided feeling.

I shouldn't feel betrayed. This isn't like me.

So why do I feel so?

Why does it hurt so much?

Even if I was to be thrown away by the rest of the world, you wouldn't do that. How could I so foolishly allowed myself believe that?

How stupid. I was an utter fool.

I trusted you too much.

I trusted you.

It hurts, a little too much to bear.

Why?

Even though I trusted you so much. Even though I loved you so much. Why didn't you trust me?

[...Meme...]

The past. Memories. Feeling of linger attachment.

They're all just sentimentality now.

I broke up with an important person in my life - my best friend/childhood friend/cousin.

Hah, it sounds funny, but I don't think there's a better way to describe it.

My belief in them made up a part of who I was. They were one of the few support pillars of my small world.

So when my belief in them was destroyed, my small world was shaken and crumbled.

I was left confused and lost in the dark, afraid and scared.

Which seemed to be normal right up until yesterday suddenly became unknown and questionable.

I stumbled my way out, doubting everything around in order to protect myself.

The values I place on things changed, for better or worse.

The way I see people changed, for better or worse.

Sentiment.

Melancholy washed over me whenever I think back of our memories.

It was always a one sided view, from one person perspective.

What about you?

What was hidden in your heart all that time?

I really am...too tired to try to see into your heart any further.

[...Meme...]

I cut my hair, a short, undercut style, the same as when I was young.

I used to long for long hair so bad that I'd kick up a fuss whenever mom wanted to cut my hair.

Well, now she's gone, and I've willingly had this haircut myself.

This tiny nostalgia made me smile.

I've always thought that people who cut their hair because of a heartbreak was ridiculous. In the end, it was a meaningless action that helped nothing.

But now, I somehow feel at ease when I looked into the mirror.

The image reflected inside overlapped present and past. As though I haven't changed. As though I was still the same as before. As though I was still innocent like that 5 years old girl in my memory .

It gave me peace of mind, albeit the peacefulness that came from a false sense of reassurance.

[...Meme...]

Tôi đã từng tin sự gắn bó giữa chúng ta là kiên định, là chắc chắn, là vĩnh viễn. Rằng dù thế giới có đổi thay, dù chúng ta có cách xa, dù chúng ta có ra đời, lập gia đình mới, hay mai sau về già, chúng ta vẫn sẽ mãi một phần quan trọng trong cuộc sống của nhau.

12 đứa chúng ta

Tôi vẫn nghe, không có gì là vĩnh viễn.

Tôi vẫn nghe, mọi thứ, dù là gì, rồi cũng sẽ đổi thay.

Nhưng tôi từng tin rằng chúng ta là ngoại lệ, rằng sự kết nối giữa chúng ta mạnh mẽ hơn thế. Bởi vì, chúng ta sinh ra và lớn lên cùng nhau. Chúng ta là láng giềng, là bạn thân, là bạn thời thơ ấu, là anh em, họ hàng của nhau.

12 đứa chúng ta.

Tôi sinh ra và lớn lên với những khuôn mặt quen thuộc vây quanh. Dù xa cách một thời, các bạn vẫn nắm một phần quan trọng trong tim tôi. Khi sum họp, các bạn vẫn là mọi thứ với tôi.

Tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta từng là niềm tự hào của tôi, từng là thứ tôi đặt tất cả tin cậy, từng là tất cả với tôi.

Tôi sẽ không cần một ai, hay bất cứ điều gì hơn nữa, vì "chúng ta" là thế giới của tôi.

Tôi đã quá ngu muội, và bây giờ, tôi không thể cầm được nước mắt, bởi vì thứ tôi từng tin rằng là kiên định, là vĩnh viễn, thật ra rất mong manh và ngắn ngủi.

Tôi mất đi chỗ dựa trong cuộc sống của mình. Thật nhanh. Thật bất ngờ. Là do tôi quá tin, hay tôi quá mù lòa để nhìn thấy sự thật?

Nó bắt đầu từ bao giờ? Sự rạn nứt giữa chúng ta. Từ khi nào chúng ta không còn quan trọng với nhau? Từ khi nào chúng ta bắt đầu chán ghét, coi thường nhau? Từ khi nào tình bạn, tình anh em giữa chúng ta trở nên rẻ rúng hơn đồng tiền?

Ngay từ đầu, hay thời gian phai mờ nó đi? Tôi đã quá yêu các bạn để có thể nhìn thấy điều đó.

It hurt to breathe.

I felt like my eyes were opened.

I used to believe in people's kindness. I used to take people's words at their face values.

Although I know there were almost always a hidden meaning in people's words, but I'd be more than happy to play ignorance than let it bothered me.

And so, I've always focus on people's good intentions, why trying to dig for the hidden meanings in people's words and actions when that might not be what they "really" meant?

Yes, I know I was naive, but I'd rather think good about people than a bad impression that might occur from my overthinking thoughts.

I was wrong.

Because in the end, that only meant I trust people too easily. And trying to see them in good light meant I didn't see them for who they really were.

I was fine with that.

I was okay with being cheated out of something.

I was okay being used once or twice.

After all, what I lost would only be something physical. Nothing that can't be replaced. In return, I would be able to see their nature.

But no more.

In the end, no matter how righteous I tried to justify myself, the only thing it came down to is that I was just too "lazy" to doubt people.

When my world collapsed and my faith was lost, I could see how wrong I was for trusting people too easily and not try to see what's underneath, because it's the cause that made me placed my faith in the wrong thing.

You guys - my world, was broken to pieces. And I know it will never be the same, whether it's me, or you. My blind faith in our bonds can never come back, now that I've seen how fragile it actually is.

The pillar that had support me in life until now was grounded into dust.

So, I will forget it.

My world was broken.

So, I will build myself a new one, one that won't have you as an important element.

I didn't think I was such a crybaby.

I didn't think I've ever cried so miserably before in my life.

But now that it's all done and over with, it was nothing special.

Our bonds, our years spent together, it's all in the past.

The memories will always be there and be beautiful, but I will face my reality, and it is one that the beauty of our relationship was no longer there.

We're no longer the children we once were.

I've known that, but the true reality of it sank in quite slow and painful. This loss pierced my heart, and a left a big hole inside.

So, I will cry, today and maybe many days in the future when the wound still hurt.

5 years. 10 years. I don't know how long it will take, but I will eventually get used to it. Someday, it will heal.

To be honest, I'm quite disgusted with myself for sounding like a heroine in a cheap, 3rd rate drama XD. But I need to stable my mental strength so excuuuussssee me :P

[...Meme...]

just stupid ramblings that sounded like boasting, hah.

[...Meme...]

Remind me what this pain is,

Carve it deep into my heart,

So that I will never forget,

So that even if I try to, I can't.

Etched each and every scar on my skin,

So that it will bleed crimson,

So that it will make me sing words of pain.

Don't let it fade away,

Let it build up to be my grave.

Even in my happiest moments,

I still want to run away,

Still wanting to disappear.

Why?

Because that's the feeling I'm most familiar with.

Without it, I feel unease and insecure,

Like a little child wandered too far from home.

I longed for the familiarity and the comfort it brought.

No matter how far I ventured,

How many places I've been to,

How bright and beautiful they were,

In the end, I can only feel at ease in my dark, dark corner,

Where I can feel nothing but pain and sadness.

[...Meme...]

My taste in things haven't changed much compared to the past. What I liked in the past, I still like it now. What I hated in the past, I still hate them now. I wonder if that means I haven't changed much since then, still naïve, still stupid, still an airhead... really haven't grown up at all. So many things have happened over the years, it's actually more unbelievable to think I haven't changed. I myself don't even know what I wished for, to have changed or not. I hate myself when I remained naïve and got pushed around. But I also hate myself who got shaped by environment and was forced to adapt to it. Thinking about future, to not change is a dumb move, and yet, I can't help feeling relieved when I found the parts of myself which haven't changed. Really....what a headache.






https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_3k-DD6Op4


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Tp9EZgJf8s


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN3yqMr3ffY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCQgbaRPF7M


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4R6SRf-5iQ

[...Meme...]

Continuation...



--------


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4-ZD1mvzUI


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqi82tk0Lvk


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTiGlNDnOtE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRXDr94_SKA


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSC0zQnLIWQ

[...Meme...]

my favorite as of late





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apLWP1uLuz8


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVQbtAlX1Wg

[...Meme...]

Returned to US after 3 months in Vietnam, finally felt like my heart was at ease. The smell of a familiar room, the softness of the bed, the warm of the light blanket, I realized I've missed them so, so much. Strangely, I didn't miss the people, not one bit, none, whatsoever. But it should be normal, considered the reason I went away for so long was to get away from them. The chaos half a year ago seemed so distance now, even though the aftermath still remained. The scars are still here, in me and in them, though I'm unsure of how much they actually care, maybe it's just my wishful thinking that they were wounded over it like me.

I just...couldn't care less now.

Trust was ruthlessly crushed, grinded into dust and scattered unto god knows where.


I don't think...I will ever cry so miserably again. It's not anything to brag about, but I know I'm an extremely sore loser, stubborn and willful. That's why, I disdain shedding tears in front of others. But...I've never cried more miserably in my life like then, and in public place, no less.

The pain, the tears back then, as well as the heartless gazes they gave me, even if I didn't want to, I was made to realize just how small my place was in their heart.

It's vexing. Really vexing.

I was in pain, and now that pain has turned into resentment, even though I know better than anyone to not let it become like that.

What do I resent them for anyway?

For not putting me on a pedestal like I did them?

For not placing our ties above all else, like an idiot I was?

Hahaha, so ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.

How filthy.

At this rate, my heart would dye black because of this. I would become an even bigger joke, because of this? No way. I refuse.

What had rot, was already too rotten to be saved. I just realized it too late.

I thought what I held onto was precious, but in reality, what had coiled around me were rotten and stinky ties. If so, then there's nothing else to do but to cut it off and cleanse myself of the filth.

[...Meme...]

I read, in order to resonate with others.

I write, in order to hold myself together.

-----

I isolated myself, believing only in the loneliness which would follow me for the rest of my life.

Even though it was a lie....

I still reached out, even as I pushed them away.

Isn't it funny? In order to push someone away, you need to extend your hand out first.

What was the true intention behind that hand that reached out?

I don't know.

I don't intend to let be known.

The truth was buried under piles and piles of lies.

The front. The mask. The façade.

After all the shows I staged to make myself seemed strong and fine, none of them changed who I really was.

At the core, I haven't changed.

10 years ago and now, that part of me hasn't changed.

Still so weak, so hatefully weak.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH0KM2qyL4Q

[...Meme...]

Tìm thấy lá thư mình viết cho mẹ ngày mẹ mất.

Mới 5 năm năm trôi qua thôi, mà nếu không nhìn thấy lại nó thì chắc chẳng còn nhớ gì.

Nói nghe như đùa, nhưng thật sự mình chẳng có một chút kí ức nào vào ngày hôm đó, những ngày sau đó, hay trong suốt tháng 6 năm đó.

Nghĩ cũng lạ,

1 tháng ăn ngủ vật vờ ở phòng khách trong khu điều trị đặc biệt, hàng chục cuộc họp mặt với bác sĩ, đối thoại với nhân viên xã hội, bảo hiểm, chứng migraine của mình bắt đầu từ ngày đó, thế mà giờ chẳng có một tí ấn tượng nào lưu giữ.

Sao thế nhỉ?

Lá thư này....viết vội trên một mặt của tờ giấy nháp 15x20, nhân viên xã hội đưa cho để ghi hướng dẫn vài ngày trước.

Ngắn gọn, nhạt nhẽo, không một lời miêu tả những gì xảy ra khi đó.

Thế mà, phần kí ức mờ ảo ngày hôm đó trong tâm trí mình bỗng nhiên hiện lên thật rõ ràng.

5 giờ 24 phủt chiều ngày 5 tháng 7,

That's how it started.

The rest? it's too long-winded to say, and too taxing on the mind to recall.

In short, one life was over at that moment.

...................................the body was still a little warm by the time I got there along with 2 brothers and dad.

The emotion back then was.... void.

Emptiness.

Nothing.

I didn't even cry.

And then other people come and, well, did whatever mourners should.

I went to the lobby and wrote this letter.

Haaaa....suddenly feel tired, maybe another day....




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcA2g2giX8Q

[...Meme...]

Sometimes, life got boring.

At those times, I humored myself with the thought that what I was missing was a person barging in my life and messing it up.

At the same time, I thought my first reaction to someone who would actually do that was beating the crap out of them.

And so, that's how the daydreamer and the realist in me started their feud.

It was entertaining in its own way, and my boredom receded.

But in the end, I was left wondering, how long could I continue to be this childish?

[...Meme...]

Life is moving us forward. Time is growing us apart. Nevertheless, no matter where you are, what your feeling is, dearest cousins/childhood friends/friends, may your days be merry and bright, and hmm.... maybe with not too many white Christmases though, snow isn't good for you(r driving skills) :P :so_funny:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fZaHBvOC5U

[...Meme...]

I remembered listening to this song since I was in 9th or 10th grade. Mentality wise, I don’t think I’ve changed much. I can’t stand living depended on someone else. The feeling that my life isn’t in my hand really scare me, a large part of it is already being controlled by rule of society, if the leftovers were handed to someone else, I really would rather die. I don’t understand the fun in “being taken care of,” or the joy of “being enveloped and embraced by firm arms.” So Please don’t force your joys on me and telling me to “settle down.” Stop saying that I am “too independent” as if it’s a bad thing. Don’t use the differences in our mindset to accuse me of “being stubborn.” If you are happy with what you have, I’m happy for you. But don’t ever, EVER, tell me to quit my job to get married and let the nonexistent husband take care of me.



https://youtu.be/3T_i-UhWCa4

[...Meme...]

I thought about her.

I think about her.

And I keep on thinking about her.

Thinking about the past, the present, about how the past could only look beautiful because of it is the past, and about how the blurry present will become nostalgic past one day.

I feel every fiber of my being getting exhausted because of these thoughts.

Once again, I know I will make the same mistake of letting things go easily in the moment of tiredness.

I know. I want to get a hold of myself.

But, it feels so empty, so drained.

Once again, I found myself acting spoiled and looking for an easy way out.

So I think about her.

And then some others who had recently left the Earth.

Yeah...I think I wanted to be depressed.

The guilt towards her make me want to kill myself.

But even that is just emptied words.

I missed her. I hate this reality. I hate everything. Myself most of all.

But this feeling is something I don’t want to share.

Not that I cannot. I DO NOT want to talk about it with anyone.

I don’t know what I seek in others.

I don’t know what I expected from them.

What I do know, is that I absolutely hate it when someone said “yeah, I can understand your feelings.”

Maybe I wanted my feeling to be unique. Maybe it is a type of vanity.

However,

Just how conceited do you have to be to claim that you can understand others? To see through their thoughts and telepathically with their hearts?

I know this feeling of mine is pretty juvenile, like a teenager at rebellious age claiming others do not understand them.

That’s why my action of keeping everything to myself is juvenile too.

But I cannot help what I hate and loathe.

So I’d rather be juvenile than receiving fake sympathies from others because they want a way to prove superior.

[...Meme...]

In any case, I like sentimental sh*t, so I will write sentimental sh*t if I want to.

As time passed, I have stopped wanting a lot of things, given up on a lot of things, discarded a lot of things, but still couldn't stop the self-destruction way of living I have had.

Life tempered me into someone I hate. Actually, at this point, I'm unsure whether this disgusting person I became was from life tempering or the real me after being stripped off all pretenses. And yet, the part of me that needed to be destroyed the most is still there.

Wanting to throw it away, yet stubbornly refusing to do so. Both are my wishes. If I don't throw it away, I will become a useless person. But if I throw it away, it is the same as discarding "myself."

This stupid tug of war has been going on for so long that the word stupid is an understatement of how stupid this is.

-----

Anyway, it's almost 20 years old birthday of Hoahoctro forum. I still remembered the 10 years old birthday like it was yesterday.

For me, it's been 11 years. From the average grade high school student, to the underachiever adult, it has been a long time. Lots of things have changed, I went from a little extrovert into a total antisocial, but the sentimental sh*t I have to say doesn't seem to decrease at all.

[...Meme...]

Friday August 19, 2021

I safeguard the first kiss all my life, and lost it in the most nonsensical way, to a guy I didn't even like.

[...Meme...]

Hôm nay nghe người ta cưới, biết dùng từ nào để diễn tả cảm xúc. Bất ngờ và... hơi mắc cười vì lòng chẳng có tí cảm xúc nào. Bảo là mừng cho người ta là không đúng. Bảo là buồn vì người cầm tay người khác cũng là sai. Biết hắn là dạng có chí tiến thủ nên hồi đó mới chẳng bận tâm dứt áo ra đi. Mình cũng hạ quyết tâm đi. Đi và được, mình chẳng hối tiếc, nhưng lúc này có hơi bối rối.

Tình tự như không. Ái ngữ như mây.

Tâm hơi bấn loạn vì điều nhân gian nói tới nhanh hơn tưởng tượng. Nhưng mà, vì mình biết lý do thật sự hắn làm thế, nên một đằng thì vẫn hy vọng hắn lo cho người ta, một đằng thì cười khằng khặc bởi cái hành động hệt trai đểu của hắn với người ta.

Ừ, chỉ có thể nói, mình cũng thật khốn nạn.

Nực cười cái mình phải nghe điều này từ miệng người khác. Hắn thì cứ ngậm tăm, mấy cái ngày trước cưới của hắn còn đòi gặp. Diễn thêm tí nữa chắc ra phim Hàn nhiều tập rồi ha. Nếu nói mình hối tiếc điều gì, chỉ tiếc rằng khi chia tay không cắt đứt hết mà còn để lại tí kết nối như thế này.

[...Meme...]

I stood in the middle of the jungle of skyscrapers and thought to myself, "It seems sad." To me, however, "sad" is a synonym for "peaceful."

It's hard to believe I would one day feel this way about a big city. I preferred quiet, so I thought the countryside or suburban would suit me more. Born in a big and bustling city, I didn't dislike such atmospheres, but I didn't long for them when I was thrown into a quiet and small town either. I came to love the small town. And then I left it. Reluctantly.

Returning to the city way of life, I felt neither joy nor nostalgia. It was just something I had to do and had to get used to. Eventually.

I looked at countless tiny lights in the high buildings, then at the dark streets filled with homeless people. I used to be scared. I am still scared. But at that moment, my emotions were numbed. The only thing left was just overwhelming sadness. It wasn't out of sympathy or empathy. Nothing to do with other people. Just because I was still the same emo kid as I was decades ago.

I disliked darkness. It was full of uncertainty and lurking danger. But sometimes, when I wandered into it, there would be sentimental moments like the one I found today.

I haven't written something for a long time. Writing makes me feel at ease inside. Or is it I can only write I can feel peace? Who cares anymore.

Time always moves on. I never noticed it with my idyllic lifestyle. But whenever I looked around me, the flow of time couldn't be more vivid. It was carved onto the seasons, the people, everything, even myself if I stopped averting my eyes and tried to see.

More than 10 years have passed, but I'm still that kid who refused to look at reality and run away for as long as I can. Have I changed even a tiny bit? Maybe, who knows. But the essences that made me who I am haven't changed, that's for sure. Even though it's nothing good, I want to cling to it. It's always easier that way.

Dear the me of many years ago, it seems like we didn't grow up after all.

[...Meme...]

Today's log:

Morning:

- A glass of drowsiness.
- A spoon of weariness.

Afternoon:

- A bucket of self-loath.
- A cup of unhappiness.

Evening:

- A bowl of self-reflection.
- A mouthful of bitterness.

---

Humans are walking contradictions.

When I try to tell myself to stop feeling unhappy about things I shouldn't feel unhappy about, I ended up become more unhappy.

[...Meme...]

I don't want to swear, but I can't help it, I really can't help it.

---

People really don't change. He was a lecherous bastard back then, and he is still a lecherous bastard now.

No. It's worse now that he actually dared to try something on me again. Me, the one dragging his dirty infidel into light before. Me, his wife's sister. My sister, who's pregnant with his child!

That filthy insect, ugly bastard, what gave him the gut?

Is his brain so small it already forget the mess back then so quickly? F*cking dumbass.

My sister gave him a second chance, so I decided to give him he benefits of doubt.

For awhile, I thought it was worth it to disregard my own trauma caused by the bastard to maintain the family's harmony, and what happened in the past was just a one time thing.

I was wrong. He attempted to sexually harassed me again.

Even though it wasn't an obvious attempt, it felt 10x more disgusting than back then. Recalling his eyes and words make my skin crawled. I don't want to remember, but it kept floating in my mind whenever I let my guard down.

I'm assaulted with violent rage and sadness that has nowhere to go. And because they have nowhere to go, they return to me in the form of self-doubt, even though I know better than to question and guilt tripped myself.

And because I don't want to hate myself, all the hatred can only be pointed in one direction.

Is it okay to hate? To hold onto that dark and murky feeling and let it burn inside like smoldering ember?

If I can help it, I would rather not spare any thoughts and emotions on that human trash.

I don't want to think about it. I don't want to remember it, but It that image kept appearing in my mind, and I can't hold it in anymore.

---

Phew,

Since it wasn't an obvious molesting attempt, people could easily dismissed it as I was just imagining things. Although I do believe that just bringing it up will sow a seed of doubt due to his prior offenses, there is no benefits to it, especially when sister is in a delicate state and needs support from her spouse more than ever.

So, I will keep this to myself and more distance from that bastard in the future.

[...Meme...]

https://youtu.be/kqi82tk0Lvk


I write the lines you want me to
Anh viết từng dòng thư như em muốn

With the words I dare to use of all
Bằng những lời được chọn lọc

The ones that you have taught me
Từ tất cả những lời em đã chỉ anh

Along the years
Trong năm tháng qua

You cast a perfect shadow on the paper
Em ngả chiếc bóng trên trang giấy thật đẹp

Fade away with sunlight
Rồi đã phai dần trong ánh mặt trời

I fear the way you know me
Anh e sợ cách em thấu hiểu anh

Love can leave a stain
Vì tình yêu có thể để lại dấu vết không phai mờ

You steal my only hope
Em cướp đi niềm hy vọng duy nhất

And make me stay awake another night
Và khiến anh lại một đêm thức trắng

I wish you bear with me, stay near me
Anh ước rằng em chấp nhận anh, ở bên anh

When the atumn leaves have fallen
Khi những chiếc lá thu rơi

Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me
Cô độc, nỗi đau của anh, là điều cuối cùng còn lại trong anh

If you fall I'll catch
Nếu em vấp ngã, anh sẽ giữ lấy em

If you love I'll love
Nếu em yêu thương, anh sẽ yêu thương

And so it goes, my dear
Và chỉ cần như thế thôi, em yêu

Don't be scared you'll be safe
Đừng sợ hãi, em sẽ bình yên thôi

This I swear
Điều này anh xin thề

If you only love me
Nếu như em chỉ yêu mình anh

Seven lonely lies written on dead winters night
Bảy lời dối trá viết trong đêm đông lạnh khốn cùng

Open the only book with the only poem I can read
Mở ra trang sách với bài thơ duy nhất anh biết đọc

In blood I sign my name
Anh ký tên mình bằng máu

And seal the midnight with a tear
Và khép lại màn đêm bằng nước mắt

Burn the paper, every line, for them I cried
Đốt đi trang giấy, nơi từng dòng chữ chứa chan lệ rơi

If you fall I'll catch
Nếu em vấp ngã, anh sẽ giữ lấy em

If you love I'll love
Nếu em yêu thương, anh sẽ yêu thương

And so it goes, my dear
Và chỉ cần như thế thôi, em yêu

Don't be scared you'll be safe
Đừng sợ hãi, em sẽ bình yên thôi

This I swear
Điều này anh xin thề

If you only love me back
Nếu như em chỉ đáp lại tình yêu của anh

I am the Playwriter and you are my Crowd
Anh là Người Viết Kịch và em là Khán Giả của anh

Make me cry for your love
Khiến anh khóc vì tình yêu của em

Like you've done many times
Như em đã làm biết bao lần

So I know, I can't write these storylines without you
Để anh biết, anh không thể viết câu chuyện này nếu không có em

Lady Pain, make me strong
Nữ thần của đau đớn, hãy cho anh sức mạnh

Can't we be together without them forever?
Có lẽ nào ta vĩnh viễn không thể ở bên nhau mà không khổ đau?

The words I write can only hurt you
Những lời anh viết chỉ khiến em tổn thương

Sorry for the rain
Xin lỗi vì đã làm em buồn

Thank you my only one
Cảm ơn tình yêu duy nhất của anh

You gave me this pain
Em đã cho anh nỗi đau này

I leave you gently on the floor
Nhẹ nhàng đặt em xuống sàn

Take one step towards the door
Anh bước một bước về phía cửa

Where's that letter never written
Nơi lá thư chưa từng được viết đó hiện hữu

Good night now
Thôi, hãy ngủ ngon nhé

If you fall I'll catch
Nếu em vấp ngã, anh sẽ giữ lấy em

If you love I'll love
Nếu em yêu thương, anh sẽ yêu thương

And so it goes, my dear
Và chỉ cần như thế thôi, em yêu

Don't be scared you'll be safe
Đừng sợ hãi, em sẽ bình yên thôi

This I swear
Điều này anh xin thề

If you only love me
Nếu như em chỉ yêu mình anh

If you fall I'll catch
Nếu em vấp ngã, anh sẽ giữ lấy em

If you love I'll love
Nếu em yêu thương, anh sẽ yêu thương

And so it goes, my dear
Và chỉ cần như thế thôi, em yêu

Don't be scared you'll be safe
Đừng sợ hãi, em sẽ bình yên thôi

This I swear
Điều này anh xin thề

If you only love me back
Nếu như em chỉ đáp lại tình yêu của anh

[...Meme...]

A birthday spent in dead silence of a desolate night, because I got sick after the failure of a trip to Chicago.

When I’m sick (and have excuse to take time off work), I have all the time in the world to think, albeit with a hazy brain from taking medicines.

When I’m alone and miserable, my heart is calm, and my mind is filled with words to write and ideas to contemplate on.

I love this self of mine. It feels like meeting an old friend. But I know. I can’t stay with it for long. I still remember the misery and agony brought forth from self-isolation, solitude, which ended up with self-hatred.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love solitude. It brings out the calm and peace in my head and my heart. It isn’t euphoria, but it is addictive, and anything addictive is a two-edged sword.

I learned my lesson, but I love it regardless – this solitude.

This world is too busy and noisy. External noises. Internal noises. Day in and day out. It makes a moment of quietness all the more precious and comfortable. How can I not fall in love with it?

Still, I can’t hide in this quietness forever. The time to go back to that noisy place will come, because it’s the only place where life goes on. And until I die, I can’t run away from being alive.




https://youtu.be/A5jyLGXg3tk?si=7FotUEXxkgNEAf-H

Happy birthday to me~

[...Meme...]

Đến khi nào mình mới học được cách khép lại một ngày, buông xuống những điều không hay và không đáng lưu tâm, để có được một đêm bình yên mà không dựa vào men rượu? Càng cố gắng xoá bỏ những suy nghĩ vẩn vơ quẩn quanh tâm trí, nó lại càng khắc sâu và hiện hữu rõ ràng hơn. Thiền tịnh chẳng có tác dụng gì. Nhạc nhẽo lại chỉ thêm phiền. Đi đây đó? Chỉ thấy mệt. Hội họp bạn bè? Với loại bạn qua đường đâm lén nhau mà tim không đập tay không run đó á? Tâm sự cùng người khác? Thôi bỏ đi. Người lớn hết rồi, phiền não bản thân còn chưa xong, ai có kiên nhẫn nghe chuyện chẳng liên quan gì mình.

Nghe bảo tìm bình yên trong men rượu là hèn nhát. Ừ, thôi thì cứ vậy đi, chạy đâu thì cũng chẳng chạy thoát khỏi bản thân, đối đầu với ai chứ với đối đầu với chính mình thì cũng chỉ mình mình chột mắt què chân. Ầy, bắt đầu nói nhảm rồi.

[...Meme...]

22 tháng 1 nghỉ làm ở HMC. Lí do? Chính thức thì là vì muốn học hành cho xong, 32 cái tuổi đời rồi mà không làm nên trò trống gì thật sự rất áp lực (dù mình có muốn hay không). Lí do không chính thức là vì công việc đã trở nên nhàm chán, không còn gì mới để học và nâng cấp kĩ năng cá nhân. Cảm giác bị đình trệ giống như bị mắc kẹt trong một vũng bùn, không thoát ra thì sẽ ngày càng lún sâu rồi chết dần. Lí do không chính thức thứ hai là vì sự thay đổi trong tầng lớp quản lý gần đây làm mình thấy rất lo lắng cho tương lai. Và cái đinh cuối cùng đóng vào quan tài là chú trưởng phòng mới toanh méo có kinh nghiệm được tha từ bên ngoài vào bởi bà quản trị cũ dưới sự hỗ trợ của trưởng phòng tiền nhiệm. Làm mình rất muốn chửi thề, thiên vị bè đảng bớt lộ liễu chút được không? Cái phòng đã hấp hối rồi còn rước thêm đao phủ về. Dù rất thích các đồng nghiệp khác, nhưng mà chúng ta nên chia tay từ đây thôi.

Đâu đó giữa tháng 2, nhìn thấy bài đăng tuyển dụng của SHC, vốn dĩ không tính đi làm lại ngay, nhưng đọc mô tả công việc có vẻ thú vị, cộng thêm là vị trí bán thời gian, nên cũng nộp đơn đại. Uầy, bệnh viện của trường danh tiếng mà, đâu ra tới lượt mình. Thế mà tới lượt mình thật...cái quá trình xét duyệt đầu vào của họ còn mệt hơn đi thi lấy bằng nữa, nhiều vòng tuyển, dài dòng, lê thê, lắm lúc mình chỉ muốn Fukito bỏ ngang, nhưng mà do tự ái nên không bỏ. Nói đi nói lại thì là qua.

27 tháng 3 bay qua Nhật (mua vé ngày 24 =]] ) chơi với Mèo 10 ngày. 4 ngày còn lại đi solo Sapporo.

27 tháng 4, dọn dẹp đồ trong căn hộ ở WA về nhà ba rồi bay qua CA (5:30PM) nơi mình bắt đầu sống và làm việc.

2 tháng 5, bắt đầu nhớ nhà =]]. Thời tiết ở đây quá khác WA. Đâu rồi những cơn mưa như trút nước và những cơn gió lạnh buốt...

Ngồi ngẫm nghĩ, trước khi lá gan teo nhỏ thành hột đậu, mình muốn mở rộng thế giới của mình. Có điều, chẳng phải đó là việc người ta làm ở tuổi 20 sao? Khi người ta trải nghiệm đời, mình chẳng biết làm gì. Khi người ta yên bề gia thất, mình bắt đầu chạy lung tung. Sao lúc nào mình cũng đi sau người ta 10 năm vậy?

Bảo rằng không nên để ý miệng đời. Nhưng mà làm cái đinh chướng mắt thiên hạ lâu ngày cũng mệt mỏi lắm, mắt thiên hạ không làm tổn hại cái đinh, chỉ là nó rỉ sét theo thời gian thôi. Khi mệt mỏi, chỉ muốn xếp gọn bản thân vào một góc, ước gì gấp lại được như cái mền để cất vào tủ được thì càng tốt.